Ask Beast Boy
by TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSaber
Summary: Beast Boy's taken up a job as the advice columnist on Jump City Times, the Jump City newspaper. Under his penname, Aiman Inja, he solves peoples' problems one article at a time. Hilarity ensues. Read, review, and write your own letters to BB.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi! Tis I, back from my long, hours of volunteer work and summer reading! Now all I have to do is write four pages detailing on what I read and what it means, then read Poor Richard's Almanac and add **_**those**_** ideas, then finish up at least three or four more hours on summer math. It's summer, why do you have to torture us? It's hot enough outside, and I live in Texas!**

**Whatever, this is a new project I'm working on! I hope ya'll enjoy. If you like this, then by all means read my other story, 'Guess Who!'.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Teen Titans, nope.**

Beast Boy walked through the city alone. It had been weeks of work and research and thinking, but Robin had finally caught the evil mastermind just the day before. With just one, 'Titans, attack!', the help of a few honoraries, and Titans East, they had brought him to justice. Satisfied, Robin had given them all one day off to spend for themselves. He had Cyborg to create holo-rings for all of them, just in case a situation got a bit out of hand. And with that, everyone left to do as they pleased.

Cyborg went off to a football game.

Starfire left to check on Tamaran, as with her newly found super-speed flying ability, she was able to get there in a mere half hour.

Raven had departed very early that morning to spend the day book-shopping and listening to poetry in Café á L-ombre.

And Robin had taken off the night before to train with The Master.

So Beast Boy was left alone. And very, very, _very_ bored.

He had already visited his favorite comic book store, his favorite tofu joint which served vegans and vegetarians, and tested out his new GameQX 4759 Platinum. After beating all 348 levels without Cyborg blocking his view by smashing his face into the couch, he had left and done it all again. _Four times._

With an exasperated sigh, Beast Boy checked his watch. 11:13 am. Time was cruel. He shook his arms, feeling the hot sun on his bare hands. It felt awkward to not be in uniform (cause it would be kind of weird to see a blond, blue-eyed, totally normal looking kid prancing around the streets of Jump in Beast Boy's uniform, you know?). He realized that the last time he had worn civilian clothes was in Tokyo, and only for a day. Now, he was wearing simple blue jeans, a purple and black shirt, and grey sneakers.

"Oof!" He groaned as he walked right into a glass door that had just opened.

"Oops. Sorry, Mister," said the young girl who had just opened the door. Her eyes were wide and surprised, as if she wasn't expecting that the thing she had just whacked the door into was a person.

"It's fine," he brushed it off, standing up and shaking his head, "I mean, who doesn't like to be hit in the face with a door every once in a while?" Beast Boy smiled a weary smile and looked at her. She stared right back him, her brow furrowing into a perplexed expression.

"You're weird," she said, when a girl called from back inside.

"Mellie? Come back, I need you to hold this bag!" the voice said.

"Okay! I just need to help this boy I hit in the face!" Mellie shouted back. To Beast Boy, she said, "Are you sure you're okay?"

He nodded, "Yeah, I was going in anyway."

He walked in with her, but wasn't expecting what he saw next.

"You!" He exclaimed, pointing at them accusingly.

"You!" The girl cried back, dropping her purchase on Mellie's feet to point back.

"What are YOU doing here?" Both glared at the same time. Mellie raised her hand.

"Do you know each other?" She asked curiously. The blond haired girl stared angrily at Beast Boy as she answered.

"Yes, Mellie. He's the crazy one I told you about. The one that threw mud in my face. Then made me fail my geometry test. Then _knocked _on my window at night." She crossed her arms.

"Terra? Wait, how do you know it's me . . . ?" he slowly looked down at his pinkie, which was strangely green and ringless. "Oh."

"OH," she said mockingly, rolling her eyes, "So what's your business here?"

"Can't a guy just walk around his city without being interrogated by schoolgirls? I've got a day off. Robin doesn't give us a lot of vacations, so I'm looking for something worth spending my time on. What about _you?_ I don't remember you having a little sister."

"She's not my sister. She's a girl I'm baby-sitting. We both live in an orphanage by the school. Mellie's like, my second great cousin twice removed's niece. Or something like that. I need some extra cash, if I ever want to get away from this place." She glared outside. "I don't suppose _you_ need a job to get money. You're a Titan, and get anything you want."

Beast Boy gaped at her. "I need money! I just don't have a lot of time, since I'm off, I dunno, _saving Jump_ every week. But I could get a job if I wanted."

She snorted. "Yeah, _sure._ Come on, Mel."

And Beast Boy was suddenly standing quite alone in the corner store.

"I could get a job if wanted to. It's just that all the places I look don't need help. And all the places I don't use . . ." he shuddered, "_Meat."_

He was just walking out when he saw a newspaper with the headline, 'TEEN TITANS TAKE AN OFF-DAY: WILL WE SURVIVE?'. Grabbing it, he rushed to the counter and scrambled for the spare coins in his pocket to pay.

"_Whoa, dude!_ You're a Teen Titan!" said the teenage boy at the counter. His hair was scruffy and brown, hanging over his eyes, which were covered by a pair of cheap shades. A baseball hat stuck backwards on his head gave him an elementary school look. He noticed that the green teen was a little, erm, _short_ on cash to say the least. Pulling down his glasses so BB could see his gray green eyes he said, "I'll give it to you for free if I can have an autograph. My little sis loves the Titans, and I still don't have a birthday present."

Beast Boy grinned. "Sure!"

After signing a napkin, he whistled a tune as he sauntered back to the tower.

.-.-.-.-. Break.-.-.-.-.-.

His eyes scanned the paper, reading the one-page article on the Titans, then flipping over to the Funnies. But before he could start reading, a note to the readers caught his eye.

**Advice Column soon to come!**

**Can you answer personal questions no one else can?**

**Do your friends come to you on advice on how to dress, act, or solve a dispute?**

**And are your answers sufficient, caring, and quirky?**

**Then you might be our next anonymous advisor!**

**If you would like to be the next advisor for people's problems, solving them with your own true flair, just fill out this simple application form and submit it at the address. Only those working on the news staff will know it's really you!**

**Name:**

**Age:**

**Pseudonym:**

**Email Address:**

**Send to: **

**1234 Main Street**

**Jump City**

**Please get it to this address by 3:00 pm as of July 2****nd****.**

**We'll send you an email if you get the job! $40 every week you add your column!**

**-Administrator X**

Beast Boy's eyes widened in delight. He checked his watch. 12:03. He had roughly three hours to et to the other side of Jump to deliver his application. Grabbing a pen, he filled it out as quickly as possible.

**Name: Beast Boy (Garfield Mark Logan)**

**Age: 15**

**Pseudonym: **

This he had to think about. He could use one of his friends' names, but that would be too easy. He needed something funny. Something smart.

**Pseudonym: Aiman Inja**

**Email Address: greenninjafury **

Good. Perfect. Awesome.

Now all he needed was to turn it in . . . on the other side of the city. Breathing out a sigh of annoyance, he grabbed the paper with his teeth, morphed into a cheetah, and began to run.

Until he hit the water.

.-.-.-.-. Break.-.-.-.-.-.

One week later . . .

Beast Boy checked his email for the fiftieth time that day. He sighed. So they hadn't picked him.

Well, his life wasn't _over_. It's just forty bucks.

_Forty bucks a week could get me a moped _and_ a bouncy house in a couple months, _he thought sulkily, and refreshed the page one last time.

An email appeared **(A/N: If it didn't, it wouldn't have been an interesting story after all, now would it?)**.

**Beast Boy,**

**Due to the alarmingly small amount of applications that were sent, we have chosen you to be the advice columnist for the ****Jump City Times****. Honestly, there were only two applications and the other applicator just died this morning. He was 97.**

**But on a lighter note, you will be writing the advice column for this newspaper for the next six months and are allowed to continue afterward if you find it fun. We will send you an email every Saturday, with the letters you need to answer attached. Complete as many as possible in three days. While we understand you also have a life and a city to protect, we expect at least three documents worth of answered letters sent back every Tuesday.**

**We have attached a few sample letters to this email so that you may try some out. Feel free to send them back so we can publish them publicly and give everyone a taste of your talent.**

**Thank you, and welcome to the team.**

**-Jump City News Team**

Every week? Writing. Every. Week . . .

Beast Boy groaned. Contrary to the popular belief of everyone (his teammates and civilians alike), he was actually quite intelligent and good at writing. But concentrating on it. Every. Week . . .

"Keep your head in the game, Beast Boy. It's for a moped. And proving Tara wrong," he murmured to himself.

_Wait, _he thought, _Should I tell my teammates? No, they'd laugh at me. They'd call me stupid. But maybe we can divvy up the work, so I don't have to think so long. Nah, I'll be fine. I won't tell them. I won't._

Just then, Robin knocked on the door.

"Beast Boy?" he called, "Are you okay in there? You've seemed a little distant since off-day."

"Yeah, I'm fine!" Beast Boy yelled back, "Just, uh, working on an online game!"

"Oh, okay." From outside the door, Robin frowned. Beast Boy was lying, his voice was cracking again. Shrugging it off, he thought, _He's Beast Boy. He'll get over it._

He walked away.

From inside his room, Beast Boy opened up the sample advice letter he had received.

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

**So what technically happened is that my sister loooooooooooves One Direction. She just won't shut up about it. I swear, she'd sell her soul to have one of them say her name out loud. She used to be like this with the Jonas Brothers, and Justin Bieber. How can I get her to stop this madness? It's driving me craaaaaaaazy!**

**-Running away in the Other Direction**

Beast Boy smiled to himself. Star was just like this. And he had easily solved the problem.

**Running away in the Other Direction,**

**Sounds like a serious problem. Don't worry, it's a sickness almost all girl get at one point, whether it lasts for a few hours or a few months. It goes away eventually.**

**I had the same problem. One of my friends went through this, and while it takes time, it isn't very difficult to solve. First off, try to take her to a therapist or psychologist. If they fail, or you don't have enough money, go to Plan B.**

**Plan B- Get her some ice cream. Walk around for a while. Hang out in a group of both of your friends. Soften her up. Then when she's either vulnerable or ice cream drunk, ask her why she loves them so much. Then sabotage that. If she says they're cute, draw on all the poster's faces. Tell her they photoshop. Make something up so that she won't love them anymore. If that for some reason doesn't work either, go to Plan C.**

**Plan C- Stage an intervention. Talk to her about it. If she refuses, break into her room at night and burn all the CDs, movies, videos, and posters. **

**You could also take one of her fears and incorporate it to the band. Afraid of spiders? Stick a giant spider in her One Direction bed sheets. Tell her Niall has a pet tarantula. Draw spiders on all her posters.**

**Well, I hope that helps. If all else fails, try your best to get her on Oprah. Or get her obsessed with something YOU like. Or you could try liking One Direction, but I don't suggest that.**

**-Aiman Inja**

Beast Boy reread his handiwork, and smiled. This wasn't so bad . . .

**I AM TYPING IN BOLD, ALL CAPS, UNDERLINED FONT TO GET YOUR ATTENTION! LOOK AT THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE!**

**So . . . there you go! I had fun writing this. Inspired by a story I read months ago, from 39 Clues.**

**I will be posting a lot more chapters on this, but not all will necessarily be description. Most will just be and descripted – but short – intro, and the rest shall be all the letters Beast Boy has answered.**

**If you like, send letters in a review or PM me! I neeeeeeed letters . . . **

**I hope ya'll enjoy and keep reading!**

**Bantha kisses,**

**Alyssa, TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSaber**


	2. Ask Anything

**Ask Beast Boy: Chapter 2**

**Hey guys! So I can tell that you people want another chapter and I'm bringing one up!**

**Just a note, when you write these letters to Beast Boy, you don't put a name that doesn't mean anything to the letter. I can't write a letter about how to deal with my crush rejecting me then sign it something like Ice-Cream-Luv or something. Just want to make that clear. I changed a couple of the names you guys sent in so that they made sense. If you don't approve, tell me to change it back. But seriously, that's how it's done.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans.**

**On with the story!**

Beast Boy huddled in his room, underneath a blanket. When Raven's powers went out of control, they _really_ went out of control. The AC was on way too high, and while it was scorching in the middle of summer, he was freezing. Shivering, he logged onto his computer and checked his email. Two more messages.

This had been going on for two weeks already. With his 80 bucks, he'd bought a couple new-release video games and played them to his heart's content. Answering these questions came easy to him, and he realized he actually kind of liked it. After his advice column first got published, newspaper sales sky-rocketed. Suddenly, everyone wanted his advice on how to live their lives and interact with people. Teens were buying the papers instead of texting or reading the news on their phones if they originally had any interest.

He felt kind of proud about it, like he wanted everyone to know. But he had to remain anonymous, or he could kiss his weekly forty bucks goodbye. Opening the word document, he copied and pasted, then began to type.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-Article-.-.-.-.-.-.-

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

Okay, so last week I was explaining the point of fanfiction to my friend. For some reason, she became really offended... and slapped me in the face. I don't know what I did, but every time I try to apologize to her, she runs away. What can I do?

Love,

So Confuzzled

So Confuzzled,

I sort of know how you feel, in a way. I discovered a fanfiction site once when I was surfing the internet. I even found fanfiction on our super awesome heroes, the Teen Titans! Weirdly enough, there was this shipping going on people put between the team members. I get it if it's, like, Robin and Starfire since they're together and everything. But they were shipping the totally awesome and strong and best Titan ever (Beast Boy, he's great) and Raven together! I mean, how could she live up to him? But seriously, there are some SERIOUS weirdos on those sites.

I don't exactly know what you did either, but fanfiction can be seriously offensive to some people. Is your friend a super hero? Or a movie star? Maybe that's why, maybe people are shipping her with someone she hates or something.

The best you can do is write a thousand letters from you to her saying that you're sorry, then drop them down her chimney. If that doesn't work, get a large, intimidating man with a huge beard to knock on her door and tell her, 'Your friend's sorry, Harry!'.

As for that slap, get some baby oil on a washcloth and hold it to your face. You can also use really cold water, but only if the oil doesn't work. Hope that helps!

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aimen Inja,**

What do you do when you have a crush on your best friend?

Signed,

Awkward Bud (Were Dal)

Awkward Bud (Were Dal),

I have no experience with this. Girls don't exactly bond with me as friends, unless they're pink cat people. I mean, the ladies are ALL OVER ME. Yes, that's what I meant.

But back to your question, I say you should hide it. Hide it until you get a sense of how she feels about you. If you think she's into that chick flick romance stuff, just tell her. I can't really give you more than that.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

**The boy of my love-life called me skanky because I wore a short skirt to school one day. I should really be mad, but I can't get over him! Is that wrong?  
sincerely,**

**-Conflicted Emotions (Bunny-bucket)**

Conflicted Emotions (Bunny-Bucket),

What the heck is wrong with that guy? The shorter the better, right?

I mean . . . I completely understand. Well, I think that you should totally get over that guy. Short skirts are in, and any normal dude would totally dig that. Unless you're fat or your legs are ugly or something. Are you fat? Do you have ugly legs? Probably, or he would really like that skirt. Unless he has no social life. But I'm guessing he does, since girls go for popular people, right?

Yeah, you probably have fat legs or something like that. Exercise a lot more, if you really like this guy. Either that, or grab a new crush since he obviously doesn't appreciate you for who you are. Maybe he has a fear or exposed leg skin?

-Aiman Inja

**Aiman Inja,**

**Okay, so this morning I poured an entire bowl or cereal onto all of my school shirts. I don't know why, but I really like pouring cereal on them. I have a serious problem. All of them are ruined and now I have to go to school topless! What do I do?**

**-Stained**

**P.S. I'm a girl.**

Stained,

Okay, first of all, I've probably missed the day you needed help, but its inevitable that it will happen again.

I don't know the source of your problem, so I'm going to guess you got bitten by a radioactive frosted flake monster and now have a strange desire to pour cereal on your shirts in the morning to satisfy your hunger of destroying tees. You know, like a werewolf.

One of the simplest ways to solve it: Stop buying cereal and eating it in the morning. You could schedule your cereal eating hour until after school, at least you can wash them again before the next day. You could also ask someone to hide your shirts for you, and have a separate set to pour cereal on whenever you want. Then your chosen person can bring out your school shirt afterwards and you don't have to worry about ruining it.

By the way, which school do you go to? I think I might drop by sometime, and see if my advice worked for you. If it didn't, that's okay.

-Aiman Inja

**DearAiman**

**Okay so Im missing all of the punctuation on this keyboard so Ill just try to work with it Sorry Anyway my parents and I have a weird disorder that makes us speak in run on sentences I don't think Ive ever had a conversation with someone that wasn't one sentence long So my moms afraid of pausing after a sentence and this thing ran in my dads side of the family so I guess that they were perfect for one another Anywho my aunt and uncle who are super weird come from my grandmothers side and they were visiting I was getting the table ready and my mom yelled to my grandma who was upstairs at the time LETS EAT GRANDMA so my uncle and aunt got out these forks and started stabbing my grandma with them Thankfully they were plastic so they didn't kill her and all we needed was to take her to the emergency room My point is that I need to buy my grandmother a get well card Know anywhere good**

**AAHSECONDSENTENCE**

**AAHSECONDSENTENCE,**

**Ok, I know that this is probably gonna freak you out, but I'm going to speak in normal sentences. If you're still reading this, I'm going to suggest that corner store for cards at the intersection of Flynnigan Street and Carlsbury Street. It's called 'The Card Corner Store'. Catchy, right? If you have some serious cash to spend, why don't you go to 'The Card Shop' on Mason Boulevard? It's a shop, not a store, which makes it like 2.5% better. Or you could always get something piped on a cookie cake. My friend's friend's older brother's younger male sibling who is my other friend once did this: he wrote out his short, sweet message outside the window on the ground with dirt. Then he bought some gasoline and poured it on the outline of the message. Then he got a match and lit it, and his message was there for a few minutes before the fire trucks came. Well, AAHSECONDSENTENCE, I think I've answered this quite well. Tell your grandmother I hope she'll recover from being stabbed by her daughter and son-in-law with plastic spoons.**

**-Aiman Inja**

Beast Boy reviewed his work. Not very many letters, but it was three pages full. Clicking save, he attached the file onto an email and sent it.

"Tara, in your face," he grinned, "I have the best job ever."

"Hey, Beast Boy," mumbled a voice, which was obviously irked but tried to hide it under a monotonous veil, "I need you to watch the kids for a second while I run out to get some more tea. I ran out, and now I have a headache."

He opened his door. "What? Why me?"

Raven rolled her eyes. "You were the one who gave me advice on children before. I thought you _liked_ kids."

Beast Boy thought for a minute, his memory of Mellie jerking in his mind.

"What're their names?"

"Melvin, Timmy, and Teether," she said, pointing each one out accordingly. Timmy was banging on the wall behind her, Teether was gnawing on her slipper, and Melvin was standing tall and patiently. Bobby was invisible, but she was obviously holding his hand.

"Melvin . . ." he murmured, "Mellie . . .".

"You gonna take them or what?"

"Huh?"

"I'll go ask Starfire." Raven used her powers to shut the door quickly, and walked off to Star's room. Beast Boy went back to his thinking.

"Mellie . . . Melvin . . . Mellie . . . Melvin . . ."

**Okay, I neeeed more letters. I had to make up a few on my own, then write as detailed advice as a possible could. I hope ya'll liked it.**

**In response to the reviews I have received:**

**SimonetteFanGirl101 – Yay! A letter! Thank you!**

**Kris Denger – I have never had that happen to me, but I'm sure a million people have. Good question.**

**Glacier – I don't think One Direction is entirely terrible, because they have good voices, a catchy song, and let's admit it, they're pretty cute. I just don't understand why all these girls are willing to die over them, it's entirely stupid and pointless, as Raven would say.**

**theVillage1diot – I **_**will**_** use that idea, thank you!**

**Guest 1 (since there were 2 people who reviewed as 'Guest') – I know that it seems like Terra is spelled wrong, but the way I perceived the entire 'Things Change' episode is that girl is without powers. I call her Tara, because that seems like the more (if I may say) **_**human**_** way to spell it. Terra, as in terra-firma, is just another word for rock or earth, so I call the human Terra with no powers or memory Tara, so it sounds the same but isn't. Does that make sense?**

**Just to see if people actually read my author's notes, if you type in the words 'bubble bath flip flops' at the end of your review, I'll choose a random person out of all the reviewers to give me a request on a one-shot published for them. If you win, you'll get a PM from me asking what character/pair of characters you want it to focus on and a few more questions, and I'll write it and publish it with dedication to you in the summary. Okay? Just wait to see. I'm shooting for 10 reviews this chapter. A bit ambitious, but I hope it will be received well.**

**So I'll try to update soon, but I'll need more letters and reviews. I'm not exactly creative with weird things happening in letters. Feel free to make the letters you send in as humorous as you feel necessary. Or they could be something you need advice on, but I don't suggest it if you need an answer soon.**

**Bantha kisses,**

**Alyssa, TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSaber**


	3. All the Answers

Ask Beast Boy Chap 3

**Hey guys! I know ya'll really wanted a new chapter, but my dad threatened to take away my laptop because I spend 'too much time on it', so I wasn't able to write for a few days. In fact, I'm writing this with my phone. I have a couple important notes to tell you about the last chapter, then I'll get to the actual story. Okay?**

**Note One: Thanks so much for the reviews, follows, and favorites! They make me feel so special! I'm going to try and have 15 this time, and I promise I will use ALL letters I recieve. **

**Note Two: WINNER! I wrote on some slips of paper, crumpled them up, tossed them in a fedora, then drew. I had to take some out (sorry X and Glacier) because I had no way to PM them, but in the end, I got FelynxTiger! Congrats, I will send you the PM soon as possible!  
Now that's over. On with the story!**

**EDIT: Okay, I had to republish this chapter because it was giving me problems and I didn't like how I answered one of the questions, plus all the grammar and spelling mistakes. :P**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, nor am I affiliated with them.**

Excited giggles echoed around the tower, all of which belonged to Star. She'd been celebrating another Tamaranean holiday - Crexnoll, the festival celebrating the freedom from hiccups - which had her all riled up. All day, she's been chugging water, hanging streamers and a banner made out of sparkly purple material from Tamaran, and rejoicing her Flondur, which she translated, 'Rejoice for the luck of the good!'.  
Beast Boy had earplugs and earmuffs, a pillow taped to his head, and sound proof material duct taped strategically to the wall. His paper was bringing in more and more feedback, people jumping onto the bandwagon left and right. Satisfied with the almost-silence, save for a muffled shout every now and then, he opened his email and found plenty of letters waiting for him.

**Dear Aimen Inja,  
Have you ever watched My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? If so, what is your favorite episode?**

-ThePonyFan101

ThePonyFan101,  
First of all, it's Aiman, not Aimen. But its an easy mistake to make, so I'll let you off the hook.  
Second of all, YES! My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is one of mankind's greatest victories! Bro-hoof! My fave episode would have to be... Green Isn't Your Color. Because Fluttershy rocks!  
This isn't exactly advice, but its been nice talking to you!  
-Aiman Inja

**Aiman Inja,  
There's this girl that I really like, but she acts like she doesn't know or care! It's like I'm a shadow, or I don't exist.  
-Heard but Not Seen**

****Heard but Not Seen,  
Okay, first way to know is make sure she knows who you are and that you're alive . So go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm - and I am alive!". If she talks again, try to make conversation. Then be nice to her. Try to wear brighter - but still cool and stylish - colors so that people see you. Then make sure that you are distinguishable in a crowd. Pull some shades, or a fedora. A snappy belt buckle or paint splatters on your jeans would be fine too. Or you could wear a mysterious mask that makes you look cool. That's what I used to do.  
-Aiman Inja

**Dear aiman inja,  
This problem is very complex, so pay attention. First of all, I think I'm developing superpowers. Now under most circumstances, that'd be a good thing, right? Well, this is one of those times it's very bad. If my friends find out, they're own powers would awaken, and I get the feeling that one of them would be a villain. Plus, my power's cryokenesis, so it's super obvious from how weak and tired I get from it being hot, that I'm not just human anymore. What should i do?**

Sincerely,  
Thermite on ice

Thermite on Ice,  
Well, I used to have a friend like you. I mean, um- I don't know anything about super powers. Yup, no knowledge on super powers here. If you have a super power, you probably shouldn't be asking about it when you know these questions get published. But nevertheless, the best you can do is try to hide it from your friends. Chew on ice to keep yourself from being weak. Chill your clothes in the freezer at night before going to school. Stick some ice cream in your pants. The works.

Get your friends to idolize great and legendary heroes, and let them inspire them to be good and not evil. Because letting more people follow in the footsteps of evil people wouldn't be good. Especially if they're powerful. It would be better if they were closer to home, so I suggest the mighty Beast Boy of Jump City. He's pretty awesome.  
Got that? Good.  
-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

I have a very good friend of mine, who I met only a month ago. We seemed to get along almost immediately and we're so alike.

Meanwhile, I have this dude that gets on my nerves. It seems like he has no sense of morals and likes nothing better than making my group of friends' lives a misery - including me. The five of us hate him, and after explaining to my new friend why he's so bad - and seeing him in action - she began to hate him too.

Or so we thought.

It turns out that the whole time she's been friends with us she's secretly been friends with our enemy. Every secret we've shared with her, all our fears and weaknesses, everything, she's gone straight to him and told him everything. Now the truth's come out, and our lives are a living hell because he knows everything about us.

Our new friend seems really sorry now, like she didn't 'mean to'. She's asking for forgiveness and if she can still hang out with us, and none of us know what to do. The others don't even want to know, but i'm not so sure. I know how manipulating that dude can be. What should we do? Should we trust her again?

- Betrayed  
  
Betrayed,  
Wow. Detailed. I have some serious Deja Vu going on in here. Umm, when something like this happened to me, we trusted them again. And it blew up in our faces. Almost literally, actually. Everything got better at the very end, but it did lead to a huge loss and a lot of sulking on my part.  
I'll say to not trust her. If she starts making more trouble for you, confront her. See if she meant it when she wanted to join you again. Find some genuine feeling. Okay? I can't continue.  
-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
Ok so I am so confused. My old best Friend who was like totally nice at the beginning of the year has turned into a big bully. It all started when she started going out with my worst enemy. Then she broke up with him BUT SHE STILL BEING MEAN TOO ME! What did I do wrong?  
-Best-friend-to-worst-enemy-troubled**

Best-friend-to-worst-enemy-troubled,  
Man. Your name's a mouthful. I mean seriously, try saying that ten times fast. On to the point, I'd say dump your friend. She was just nice at the beginning of the year, right? Unless you guys have been best friends since, like, Kindergarten, I don't think the friendship would have lasted anyway. Besides, if she's been a jerk then she doesn't deserve to be your friend. If she apologizes soon, then make sure its genuine, as I said in my last letter.

Or you could pour some ice cold water on her and snap her out of her meanness trance. Unless she has telepathic powers and can throw you off a roof. Then I don't suggest that. Because it hurts.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

You said you had some experience with cat people, right? I need some help with that. You see, there's this one girl I kind of know, and she really got into Alice in Wonderland and she's taken up a really freaky obsession with the purple stripey one with the smile (OK, so I haven't seen the movie, so sue me! Besides, my charming hair is way more important than some kids movie, right? 'Cause if not, I've been wasting a lot of my life. Uhhh, yeah, back to what I was saying). This wouldn't be a problem normally, I like feisty girls, but she's got crazy nails and has a nasty habit of using them A LOT! I haven't even talked to her lately, but do you have any advice on how to win her over (not that I'm not a ladies man myself, even more than that Beast Boy guy you seem to praise, but every little bit helps) or at least how to get her to stop scaring my face while she smiles. Sadistic people can be fun to hang out with, but if I want to survive, someone's gotta give.

Yours truly,  
ROYal HARPist

ROYal HARPist,

Roy. Buddy. You're crazy. How could you have any more ladies than Beast Boy?

So, the Cheshire Cat, huh? I love cats. It's a great musical, too. But back to the point. I have a friend who sounds just like you. Obsessed with his hair. He has a lucky comb. Do you do archery? Probably. So if you like this chick, then tell her. If she's feisty, she might calm down and be flattered. But if she's a psycho, she might shred you to pieces with her claws. No worries though. Her smile can't be that bad. Does she have bad teeth? You could suggest an orthodontist. I know it's a mask, so maybe for your one-day anniversary, you could get her a different one. That doesn't have a creepy smile.

You could get a mask on your own. Or use the one that you already have. Not that I would know if you have a mask or not. But you do. Then whenever she smiles, close your eyes and pretend they're open. Unless you're driving. That would be bad.

You could just ask her out. Then whenever she tries to, I dunno, attack you or something, you can pull out a bag of catnip or something.

-Aiman Inja

**Aiman Inja,**

I need two advice,  
First: I am a procrastinator, but not just any procrastinator, I procrastinate even when i'm procrastinating D:, you see I've tried everything, to do lists, make schedules, visualize the task at hand, everything TT, like for example I'm doing something, and when i found myself frustrated because either I can't find the answer, I can't get it the way i wanted, i procrastinate, or if it's something boring, or if it requires a lot of attention and no distractions. I need help.  
Second: I'm a hardcore fan of this awesome series [Insert Awesome series' name], I know everything about every character, I know the name of each episode, the name of each comic issue, the date release of both comic book issue and tv episode, But i don't have money to buy all the action figures, toys, pillows, DVDs, comics, etc. (I just have like 3 action figures and the rest was downloaded) And because of that my brother tell me that I'm not a fan? That have any money and can't get a job because I'm starting university and my schedule there will me almost 24/7 , I need a comeback for him, something to prove that I'm a real fan just without money.

-Interwebz has the answer!

Interwebz has the answer!,

For your procrastinating problem – I just don't get it. How do you not procrastinate? You've even tried schedules? Man, you're screwed. Here's what you do. Get someone who's time manageable. Have them make a system for you and sit there the entire time until you do it. If you need to, tempt yourself. I learned this on Good Morning America. Every day, buy a cupcake, your favorite kind. Set it on a table somewhere no one but you will get it. Sit yourself down. Do what you need to do, your goal being the cupcake. Once you finish, eat the cupcake. After a few days, your body will begin to connect the two. After two or three cupcake-filled days, cut the cupcake in half. Save one half for the next day. Do the same thing, but instead of a full cupcake, just eat half the cupcake. Because your body connects the two, it doesn't know its being tricked. After a while you'll be able to do things on time without having to eat a cupcake. You can do this with a piece of chocolate too, if you don't feel like buying a cupcake every day. I also heard somewhere that if you do something repeatedly for 21 days in a row, it becomes a habit. So just force yourself to do things on time for three weeks. By then, it'll be a habit and you won't procrastinate any more.

For the 'fan' thing. It's fine. You ARE a fan. Any true fan commits everything to memory. Any TRUE FAN would know everything and anything about it on the spot. Why, I know Beast Boy like the back of my hand. For a comeback, take something he likes. Find a bunch of difficult questions on it. Quiz him on these questions. Once he gets something wrong, scream, "EHHH!" like a buzzer. If he gets all of them right, you could always do the 'make them sit on a chocolate-iced cupcake routine.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
I have a date in a couple of days with a REALLY hot chick, and I want to impress her. But I don't have a lot of cash at my place, and the bank's closed till the end of the week due to a recent bank robbery attempt (the Teen Titans stopped the robbery, but apparently the bank now has to repair an elephant-shaped hole in the wall...). So I'm pretty much broke for my date. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO IMPRESS HER NOW?  
-Penniless**

Penniless,

Oooookaaaaaayyy. I'm sure that that elephant is super sorry right now about messing up your date, but maybe if he hadn't been distracted by Robin who stuck a birdarang into his butt that EXPLODED. Not that I would know, of course. Here's what you do.

Go to the library. Rent the most recent movie they have there, either some horror film or a romantic comedy (chicks dig that stuff). Then go to the nicest neighbor you know. The one that's always like, "Oh, hiiii sweetie. Want to try some cookies. Fresh-baked, dontcha know?" and ask if they could lend you some ingredients. Get a pasta dish off the internet (hopefully one that's NOT macaroni and cheese, maybe some fettuccini) and cook that. Get a white table cloth (or a clean white bed sheet folded in half will work too) and spread it over a table in the backyard. Get a tall glass cup, fill it halfway with water, steal some flowers from the neighbors' gardens and stick em in the 'glass'. Light some emergency candles. Boom, instant movie and dinner.

Remember to choose movies accordingly to her likes and dislikes.

For dessert, grab some sugar from your pantry (you have to have SOMETHING to cook). Get something fruity, or a pastry, and sprinkle the sugar on top. If you have chocolate available, drizzle that on too.

Hope it leads to something worth all the trouble.

-Aiman Inja

-.-.-.-.-.-Page Break.-.-.-.-.-.-

A sudden loud hiccup penetrated Beast Boy's sound barriers, jerking him from his half-asleep state. Looking down, he saw a pool of drool on his desk, right in front of the key board. A wail of disappointment followed.

"Noooooooo," cried Starfire, "I shall have the most undesirable luck for the next year!"

Beast Boy rolled his eyes. Robin would take care of it. Attaching the file onto the email, he clicked SEND.

Then promptly fell into the drool, asleep.

**I know, I know, crappy ending. Didn't know what to do.**

**As for the Mellie/Melvin thing, I have no idea where I wanted to go with that. So I'll just leave it be. There was this one time when I was just like, **_**Huh, Terra and Melvin look so alike,**_** so I guess that's why that was there. Yeah. Snore.**

**So I looked up the name 'Aiman', because I wasn't sure if it was a real name or not. It sounds like a name. It apparently means 'slang for an incredibly sexy man'. So I guess I did choose it right.**

**Anyway, thanks for all the reviews, letters, and positive feedback. It makes me happy! :D**

**I'm shooting for 15 reviews this chapter (I got 12 in the last one, so why not shoot for higher, you know?). I know it's pretty ambitious, but I like getting letters. Original ones. Make em wacky! If you read this chapter or the previous ones and liked at least one, please review! Even if you don't have a letter, it makes my day to read the words, 'Liked this story!' or, 'Please write more!' from complete strangers.**

**Ugh, I ramble too much.**

**Bantha Kisses,**

**Alyssa, TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSaber**


	4. Shhhh

**Hey guys! So my dad took my laptop for a week, I'm sorry I didn't update! I got eight whole reviews, thanks guys! It makes me feel good. **

**FelynxTiger, I'm so sorry but I haven't finished your one-shot. Actually, to say sorry for keeping you waiting, I made the plot thicker and its probably going to end up as a two-shot. I got stuck at this one part, and I'm trying to make it through, but I decided I'd take a break and finish this first.**

**As another contest-type thingy (I'm keeping the prize smaller this time), just give me something you've said in the past three days. Just two lines, one from Person A, the next from Person B. It can be between you and your mom, you and you friend, you and the shoes sales clerk at the mall, it doesn't matter! I'll choose the one that I find 'the best' in my opinion and use it in the next chapter when I update Guess Who!, one of my other stories.**

**So, without further ado, here is the next installment of Ask Beast Boy! On with the story!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own and am not affiliated in any way with Teen Titans.**

Raven sat on her bed, her curtains pulled back to let in the still-rising sun. She had the Jump City Times in her lap and was reading the latest installment of the one article she truly found funny. The advice column, with Aiman Inja. She had to admit, the advice given before had been boring and flat, as if it had been written by a 97 year old man. But lately it had switched to a new creator, one with a quirky sense of humor and genuine thoughts. She smiled as she read the last couple, levitating her cup to drink her herbal tea as she read.

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
Got any tips on how to defend against a hoard of angry, blue, green striped, space bananas with canons filled with purple cake? Or could you send some help please? I think the bananas broke into base! Got to go! Hopefully I'll be alive to see your response.**

Urgently signed,  
Banana Fighter

Banana Fighter,

The Teen Titans are on their way!

Okay, all taken care of.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

I have this horrible habit of staying up waaaay too late. Whenever my parents come to wake me up, I'm STILL on the computer typing out random ideas in my head(I'm quite a writer). They've taken away all my electronic privileges because I stay up all night on the Internet. How do I get rid of this habit (please help me, I want my laptop back!)?

You REALLY know a lot about Beast Boy, don't you? 0.0 I know who you are! :)

**-Sleepy Night Owl**

Sleepy Night Owl,

This is pretty easy to fix. All you have to do is duct tape yourself to your bed after you've eaten dinner! You can't withstand the power of duct tape. Schedule yourself some specific time to use your computer. With all those random ideas in your head, take an extra English class, carry around a notebook in your pocket and a pencil behind you ear, and use your free period in the computer labs.

No, I am not who you think I am, if I'm right about who you think I am if I am you and you are Beast Boy because I am not and neither are you and Beast Boy is awesome and . . . what was the question again? You stalker creep.

-Aiman Inja

Raven grinned to herself. No matter how good or funny this person was, they definitely had a messed up head if they thought Beast Boy was the best Titan. A knock on her door cut off her thoughts.

"Friend Raven, are you done reading the paper of news? I would be most elated to partake in the reading of the advice column! Might I have the paper if you are complete?"

Raven stood and walked up to open the door. Starfire was floating a few inches off the ground in front of her. "Yeah, I'm done with it. Here."

She handed Star the paper, who flew down the hall to her room, giggling. Raven smiled again, then realized what she was doing. She sighed inwardly as she pulled her drapes closed. She really needed to stop reading that in the morning, it brightened up her day a bit too much.

-.-.-Page Break-.-.-

Starfire smiled as she settled down on her bright pink bed to read her favorite column, the advice column by Aiman Inja. She thought he was very funny, and it was an enjoyable read. She often read a few aloud so that Silkie could listen. Flipping to page 4, she found it and began.

**Hola Aiman,**

I have a little brother who has to stay at home for the next couple of weeks with me, because he had eye surgery and can't get wet/bump his head at summer camp. The problem is that all he wants to do is play computer games. And then more computer games. And then wii, before returning to computer games. But he keeps asking me to play with him. I like playing some of his games a lot, actually, but I can't play them 24/7 like he does. I want to do other things on the computer, like reading and writing, and I can only spend so much time online because my eyes hurt if I look at the screen for too long (and frankly I don't know why his eyes don't hurt too, given that it's only been three days since the surgery.) I don't like constantly having to say no, and I don't like that he's being obsessive and probably hurting his eyes. I couldn't even convince him to watch superheroes on TV! I don't know what to do about it though.

-Quit It

Quit It,

Hmmm . . . you could always try that go to trick, 'Stop it or I'll tell Mom' thing. I got really dizzy once cause I spent the entire day in my room on my computer and didn't come out until dinner. My friend told me to sit outside and look really far away until it stopped. You could always schedule some 'shut up and go outside' time for about an hour a day. Maybe get him some chalk so he could draw on the sidewalk. I guess it all depends on how old he is, though. I'm assuming he's nine or ten, so . . . yeah.

If all else fails, duct tape him to a wall in a room that doesn't have any electronics in it whatsoever. Good luck.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja  
So me and my girlfriend got this one problem in our relationship: we love and hate each other at the same time, one minute we'll be arguing about something stupid like which Jonas Brother is the gayest and the next we'll be making out on the couch blasting Rage Against the Machine as loud as we can. I have no idea why, what can I do?  
Sincerely  
Confused-Cassonova**

Confused-Cassonova,

What I'd do to have a relationship like you do. I mean, um, I've had like a million of those kinds of girlfriends. Yes, I have. Totally.

I have my eye on a girl and she acts just like this, except we never make out. And we're not together. Mostly she just whacks me in the head. But that's not the point.

If you really like each other, that will work forever. You don't need to change anything. If it doesn't work, well I've got nothing. Just change your phone number if you're the one who breaks up with her, though.

-Aiman Inja

"Star! Staaaaar? You in there?" Cyborg rapped on the Tamaranean's door as softly as he could, which resulted in some loud banging. "I was wondering if you've seen the paper. It's not downstairs."

"Yes, Cyborg!" she replied, standing up, "I have it in her with me, I am reading the column of he who is called Aiman Inja!"

"Could I borrow it? I haven't read it yet. I'll return it when I'm done, promise!"

She opened the door and handed him the paper. "Of course! But if you are lying –," she flew up to his face, her eyes glowing a dangerous green, "YOU SHALL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN."

She handed him the paper as he sweat-dropped.

Then he ran to his room, leaving Star to smile, wave, and begin making her bed.

-.-.-Page Break-.-.-

Cyborg sat down with his plate of Eggs Benedict and his second plate of bacon, opened up the newspaper, kicked up his legs, and began to read at page 6.

**Dear aiman,**

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down.. Naaah just kidding, i've got myself a question that needs answering. So my friends and i were arguing one day about many a comic book conundrum, when we happened upon this one in particular: Does the lightning the flash/kid flash generates aka "speed force lightning" generate ozone like normal lightning? After many a google, we couldn't find an answer. One of my friends is adamant it does, and he got kinda irritated about it. I noticed the temperature drop, but i didn't tell anyone else, since it was probably just me feeling things. But anyway, since you appear to have been in contact with beast boy, I thought you could ask him if it does or not. Also, side note: Beast boy should change his name to changeling, and wear a cape. I think it would look cool.  
Find me an answer, please.  
Signed: speed-tazer

Speed-Tazer,

FINALLY SOMEONE GETS HOW GREAT FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR WAS!

Secondly, I have no idea how Kid Flash's powers work. I am an avid Googler but so not feel right at this very moment to look anything up for the sake of this. I'll ask him next time there's an All-Titans House Party. Not that I go to those every second Saturday of every third month. Nor do I know Kid Flash. This is all just hypothetical sarcasm. Hypothetical sarcasm.

Your friend got mad and made the temperature drop? Psssssshhhhhh, that couldn't happen. That's totally impossible. By the way, have you read any of these previous advice columns? If you haven't, you probably shouldn't. Yeah, you shouldn't. Tell me, does he drink ice cold water all the time? He should probably be doing that. Oh, and don't follow in the footsteps of villains, okay? Just in case you develop super powers or something. You know, hypothetically. Hypothetically.

And yes, Beast Boy should be allowed to wear a cape. And a cool, mysterious mask. And be called Beast Man. But you win some, you lose some, you know?

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aima Ninja,  
I saw this really creepy, scary, HAUNTING video on my computer recently, and now I am mentally obsessing over it. I have nightmares, and don't want to turn the computer on, go into the same room as the computer, or even stand in the hall for too long. There was a static in the background of the video, so now I can't even do my favorite hobby, listening to static on the radio, anymore. Can you help me get over this fear?  
Sincerely,  
Such a Little Kid**

Such A Little Kid,

Okay, stop right there. It's not Aima Ninja. It's Aiman Inja. It is totally not supposed to say 'Ninja' at the end. Because Aiman Inja is totally my real name.

Hmmmmm . . . haunting video on a computer again? What you do first is admit you're afraid. After that, your powers will stop overreacting and you will stop making shadow monsters and large insect beasts appear out of nowhere and swallow your four best friends.

Or you could get a Dreamlight. They're only 19.99, for a limited time only and will help _alleviate_ fears of the dark. What you do is repaint the room, buy a new computer, or maybe even report that video to the authorities. Whoever made it should be arrested. Especially that half metal man who posted that video 'Beast Boy's Pants Fall Down in Public Restaurant' because I'm sure Beast Boy did not enjoy seeing that get over 70 million views on Youtube after just two days. Even if Beast Boy is super sexy without any pants, it's just wrong.

You listen to static on the radio? I knew I wasn't the only one! Don't you just love that mind-numbing sensation it gives you after 12 hours?

**-Aiman Inja**

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
I can't get myself off of the computer, I have an addiction, a serious one.  
For instance, yesterday I went to sleep until 6:30 am, and only sleep for 3 hours or something, but the thing is that i turn the computer on at 10 am...  
I'm driving my parents crazy because the electric bill comes higher every time.  
Help?.**

-I'm Addicted and I just can't get enough

I'm Addicted and I Just Can't Get Enough,

Not a problem, I get a million of these every day. Duct tape yourself to the bed before dinner! It's foolproof! Or you could always, I dunno, get a really embarrassing photo of the head of the electric company and blackmail him!

-Aiman Inja

**Hi, Aiman Inja, what's up?  
That's beside the point... Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me out with something.  
My best friend's about as humorous as a wet rock. No, I take that back, he's even less humorous. At least you can use a wet rock to inflict pain upon other people, and that's pretty funny, right? ... Never mind.  
I was just wondering, do you have any suggestions as to how I could get him to laugh? Or at least crack a smile?**

**-I RENTED A FREAKING CLOWN WITH A COW BUS!**

I RENTED A FREAKING CLOWN WITH A COW BUS!,

Oh, I am one of you, my friend. I've been trying to get this girl I know to laugh for _years._ What you have to do is find out their humor type. Do they like dry sarcasm? Quirky geek jokes? Irony? Or are they just one of those people who laughs at other peoples' pain?

Unfortunately I tried that and got mixed results.

So I suppose letting them throw you off a tall building might be an option. She smiled that time, so it must work.

If all else fails, sneak into their bedroom as they sleep, push their lips up in a smile, and smother them with Vaseline. It works for a few hours, even if they giving you an 'I'm so going to kill you' glare.

-Aiman Inja

Cyborg laughed hard, right before Robin walked in and started making a cup of coffee.

"What's so funny?"

"Th- th- this!" He slapped the paper on the table, lay back, and sighed, laughing fit over.

Now fully awake thanks to his cup of caffeine, Robin hopped over.

"Oooh, is that the newest Jump City Times? Lemme see." He tried to grab it, but Cyborg snatched it away.

"No way man, I promised Star I'd give it back once I was done. She'll kill me. You know how she hates broken promises." He blinked, and all of the sudden, the paper was gone.

"HEY!"

"You snooze, you lose."

"Do you write all of those down and memorize them for fights?" The metal teen leaped over the couch, chasing after the bird boy, who had already traveled down the hall.

"Nope, they just come to me. I have those poetry club meetings for inspiration, remember?"

"Oh, yeah."

. . .

"Seriously Robin, I need to give that back to Star!" Cyborg turned down the sixth hallway (man, how many hallways did he put in this tower?), only to find Robin outside of Beast Boy's half-open door, his jaw practically touching the floor. When he saw Cy coming, he frantically made a 'shhh' gesture and pointed into the room.

Cyborg made the mistake of looking in. He almost died trying to hold in the laughter.

Beast Boy was strutting around his room in a cape, a cracked full-length mirror propped up on his closet door. He was belting out off-key lyrics, his top off and in his hands as he badly stitched on a giant 'BM' on the front.

"WHEN I WALK IN THE SPOT, YEAH

THIS IS WHAT I SEE, OKAY  
EVERYBODY STOPS AND THEY STARING AT ME  
I GOT PASSION IN MY PANTS AND I AIN'T AFRAID TO SHOW IT

SHOW IT

SHOW IT

SHOW IT  
I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!"

Cyborg's eyes widened as Beast Boy started the next verse. Tapping a button on his arm, his hand changed into a video camera.

"This is _so_ going on Youtube!"

**I liked the ending, it was fun to write, and I hope you guys enjoyed it.**

**I don't own Youtube, Dreamlights, or anything else I might have mentioned in my responses.**

**Soooooo, review please! Please oh please review! I noticed that many people have added this to their story alerts or favorites, but only half reviewed! I don't care if its constructive criticism or a letter or just a 'This is okay, but it could be better'. I EAT REVIEWS WITH MY CEREAL!**

**Bantha kisses,**

**Alyssa, TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSaber**


	5. Pink Angora

**Hello hello hello! When I wrote most of this, I was in SAN FRANCISCO! THE LAND OF THE TEEN TITANS! But sadly, my parents wouldn't let me go Titans hunting. :( **

**Then, I went to Disneyland, rekindled my love for Lilo and Stitch, and completely forgot about finishing it!**

**I finally finished this on the plane, only to find that I had no internet access, so I couldn't post it.**

**I got home yesterday at midnight, and when I woke up, I was too lazy to do anything but eat and sleep.**

**BUT NOW I'M POSTING! AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY! **

**By the way, thank you guys so much! I got OVER 20 reviews! They make me feel so good about this story. :D**

**EDIT: I had to repost this chapter because some of the words kept on changing (scarf and sweat shirt) and it didn't make sense to the subplot. Sorry!**

**I'm glad you guys enjoyed the different Titans reading his column, and no, for now they will not recognize his humor. Plenty of you have PMd me about that, and I'll just let them like it with no suspicions for a while. It's eventually going to become part of the plot, but not now. I want to get in at least 5 more chapter after this one before I start introducing the, 'Who's actually writing this?' plot.**

**And finally (I know that only half of you are still reading this by now), I would like to politely ask you to stop sending in letters of these three stereotypes:**

**3. I am a canon character in this series and I would like advice.**

**I promise you, guys. I will have plenty of different canonical characters write to Beast Boy in this story, and I will have even more of them reacting to the column in it. Not all of them will be pleasant, but I assure you, characters will be used. I already have Jinx and Kid Flash planned, as well as a group of the 'wimpier villains' reading it in jail, and Titans East. I don't need anyone else writing to them, because that just takes away from what I can have them ask or react to.**

**2. I am living in Jump, I have super powers, and I either A.) Cannot control them or B.) want to join the Teen Titans.**

**I understand how fun it is to have an OC to call your own. I actually have three that I try to submit anywhere I can. But please understand that not all of the superhero population is going to end up in Jump. They could end up in Gotham or whatever. But seriously, if I were a superhero, I don't think I'd give that information out to an anonymous guy who could be anyone and ask for advice on how to control my powers if I didn't know anything about him.**

**Glacier, you are excused from this rule, because you seem to have a type of interesting plot going that I do not want to ruin.**

**1. I KNOW YOU'RE BEAST BOY SO I WANT TO ANNOUNCE IT EVERYONE!**

**This is the one that's really chewing on my nerves. Really? People are all like, 'I know who you are' or 'are you related to Beast Boy' or 'You're Beast Boy!' or whatever. Seriously? He might just be some nerd who researches his superheroes well! No person in Jump other than probably his personal friends will know how Beast Boy truly acts and can recognize him from what he says. If you put this in your letter, I PROMISE I am not and will never use it.**

**That is all I have to say about these, but please don't submit any more of these. I will also not accept, 'I like this guy/girl, what do I do?' because if that person actually took the time to read the papers and care about what this guy has to say and actually like how he answers it, they won't ask a question that's already been asked twice before.**

**Okay? Okay. ON WITH THE STORY!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans.**

Slade paced around his room, unsure of what he would do about his dilemma. The arrival point of his doom was coming closer with each passing moment, and he was not in any way ready for it. For days he had plotted, schemed, and researched every possible theory he had on how to slow it down, but it was useless. He loved her with all his heart, possible even more than his heart, if you could transfer some of his love to the rest of the parts of the body.

Not that part of the body, you sick, sick people.

She had always made him feel better, always had his back when others called him crazy, deranged, and out of his mind. She was the only one who ever believed in him and how much he could do. But he would do anything in his power to slow or possibly terminate her arrival.

Missiles were out of the questions, they were much too expensive and he was trying his best to be discreet about her disappearance.

Poison was much too sudden, and he wasn't sure how she'd react to it.

Hinting at the Teen Titans to destroy her would be desperate.

She was perfect, and undeniably wonderful. A different picture of her occupied every free space on side tables, fireplace mantles, and pianos all around the house. They were surrounded by Slade's favorite cinnamon bun scented candles and vases full of tulips of various colors. His priceless porcelain unicorn collection pranced around her face in the ornate silver frames on his bedside table. Even Captain Snuggles, his limited edition Huggle Buddies brand Purple Glitter Giraffe with secret compartment in his tummy (there were only 6 in the entire world) held a beloved picture of Miss Wilson.

His mommy was coming to visit!

But alas, not all was well with the masked mastermind. For only hours before he had been trying on his last birthday present from her, a hand knit pink angora sweat shirt with his logo clearly marked on the front. It was supposed to pull attention away from his lack of a face should he ever go out in public. He usually sent Wintergreen to pick up groceries because he was embarrassed of his skeleton face, so he never really had a good chance to use it.

His mother thought he used it every day.

To tell the truth, he had only put it on for the 8th time that morning. It didn't fit him as well as it had 6 months ago, when he first got it, and seemed to have shrunk from the constant washing. And when she pulled it over his torso (Still in his uniform, of course. He had a skeleton and no flesh or organs, so wearing pink angora over it might tangle into his rib cage. He didn't really know why he was alive, but it sure as heck was better than being dead.) in had ripped right down the back.

The worst part was he didn't know how to sew it back together. Wintergreen had tried himself, and kept on dropping the needle. Even Slade had to admit it was a hopeless cause. All of those years in his crocheting class didn't help in the least. What a waste.

_Relax, Slade, relax,_ he repeated in his head, _You have plenty of time before she gets here. Two days. You have two days. Sit down, drink some coffee, read the criminal reports, you'll be fine._

He breathed a sigh of relief as he sat down on his fuchsia leather couch, holding the sweater close. Fluffing his Christmas gift from Wintergreen (a lovely hand crocheted life size kitten that looked slightly cartoony), he pulled the Jump City Times out from under the coffee table and called to his friend.

"Wintergreen? Could you please make me some hot chocolate?"

The old man appeared in the doorway at once. "Of course, sir."

"And could you make sure there are six marshmallows?"

"Yes, as you wish, sir."

"Oh, and don't use the normal mini marshmallows. I like the bunny shaped kind in pink and blue."

"Your call, Master Slade."

"Oh, and Wintergreen?"

"Mmm-hmm?" The gentleman paused in the doorway.

"Could you also bring me a bowl of cereal? I haven't had breakfast yet."

"Of course. Do you have a preference as of today, or would you like the usual?"

"The usual. Titan O's, the official cereal of the Jump City heroes."

"Would you like me to pick out the Robin marshmallows from the box, sir?"

"No, thank you, I like doing it myself."

"I will return with your cereal and hot chocolate momentarily." Wintergreen bowed and exited promptly.

Slade repositioned himself on his couch and began to read the paper. Criminal reports were the usual - Mumbo Jumbo escaped, Johnny Rancid had made a giant robotic cat, and Red X had stolen for the poor. Blah blah blah. When he turned the page, though, he did not see the kitty litter ad that had occupied that page for over six consecutive years. Instead, he found a strangely fitting new article that just might have solved his dilemma. The advice column, by Aiman Inja, taking up nearly four pages of simply letters.

He began to read.

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

**I type stories and put them on a website, but now I seem to lost interest in doing them. I don't want to neglect my stories! I just don't have the excitement to update them. How do I deal with this?**

**From,**

**Uninspired**

Uninspired,

I avoid writing and thinking most of the time unless it's for this column. It comes easy to me, but that's probably cause it's not fiction. You write fiction, right? My best guess is to just sit yourself down and force yourself to write something. If it's good, then great! If it sucks, at least the guilt will motivate you to put more thinking into it.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
I need help. I've been transported to a different dimension with animated people, superhearos, etc. I think I've also gained the abilities to phase at will and fly. Know anyone that can teach me how to control my powers, or at least get me back to my own dimension?  
Signed,  
Flying Phaser**

Flying Phaser,

This is not a different dimension where people are animated instead of existing, and superheroes have been real since forever. Did you just come out of mental health institution? If you don't understand what this means, then I'm talking about the big, soft room with fluffy walls that the people in the white coats made you sit in in your pajamas with big puffy boxing gloves on your hands. You may have gotten the special birthday jacket too! Is that where you came from? Because if it is, you have not been transported to another dimension. It is all real. And I'm pretty sure that if you did come from there, you don't have super powers. So don't go jumping off roofs or anything, mmkay?

-Aiman Inja

**Aiman Inja,  
Hey!, umm i have this conflict in where i need to get into the habit of something but always fail , you see , i want to be an artist, and i have all this tutorials ,and videos and things to help me improve, and i would like to spend at least 2 hours drawing and sketching, but i usually forget about it and i do other things... Got any advice?**

- Art lover

Art Lover,

Very simple fix, my friend! All you must do is hire one of those very violent men to follow you around all day. When you wake up, you tell him what time it is you want to do what you need. Then, when that time comes, he will get out his very big hammer and threaten you with it, forcing you to sit down and draw. And it that doesn't work, he will pick you up, sit you in your chair, tape your legs down, and turn on some inspirational music.

One of the best places to get one of these guys is at Big Mary's Gym for Men with Girly Names Who Want Revenge. If you pay them ten dollars extra, they will have a tea party with you. For twenty, they may show you their extensive porcelain unicorn figurine collection. Trust me, I should know.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
So i have this problem, in where i don't know what to decide, you see there's this Robin's action figure, Robin from Teen Titans, that it's super awesome and cool, and i have the money to buy it and i just need to go to the store and buy it, but i have a cat, who needs her vaccines you know like rabies and stuff, but i only have money for the Robin action figure, I dont know who to choose, my eye's on the Robin though... but i have a responsibility with my cat and agh...**

- I Need Moar Money

I Need Moar Money,

CHOOSE THE CAT!

Cats need lots of love and caring if they are going to love you back. So I suggest choosing the cat. They love belly rubs from demonesses too.

You were going to put away that cat money for a ROBIN action figure?! If you love cats so much, you could at least put the cat money on an action figure of the guy who can TURN INTO CATS!

So be responsible. Take care of your cat. Not a bird action figure. A cat.

-Aiman Inja

**Hey Aiman Inja  
Please be right,please let the name be right! Ok so just recently I go to sleep at night thinking about a new little fanfic I want to sort of write...it's about those kids Melvin Timmy and teeter oh and bobby staying at the tower while their home is being rebuilt and well it's about the Adventures the titans have with them mostly raven. I like raven. I fall asleep dreaming of raven having movie night with the kids and they all fell asleep on the couch,melvin and Timmy on her side teeter in her lap. How do I get this feeling to write it so badly out? In a notebook? Help please  
Oh I like bb too but raven is my fave and I think u know the titans by the way u say you have a friend who pushes u off buildings. Oh that new video with bb singing sexy and I know it is lol...did u see it?  
Love  
Raven is my fave**

Raven is my fave,

Raven is my fave, too. Other than Beast Boy, of course.

For the fanfiction, write it in three different ways. Notebook. Computer. On a sleeping person's forehead. That will get all of the fanfiction-y-ness out of your head. I don't like fanfiction myself, because they pair up Beast Boy with so many different people who just aren't his type. Beast Boy and Pantha. Really?!

Yes, I saw the video. It was very embarrassing for Beast Boy. I feel sorry for him, and will send him a box of chocolate and a coupon to his favorite tofu-dogs joint called 'I Can't Believe It's Not Meat!'. I suggest you do the same.

-Aiman Inja

**Hey Aiman Inja  
Look, I just wanted to ask what to do  
I know this is crazy but obviously I know wh r...the worlds biggest beast boy fan, I'm a raven fan but to the point, I have powers to talk and control plants and animals but I don't know where to go. To the titans or to the crazy one eye guy whose name rhymes with bade... If u titans read this please catch the hint. I want to be good but the city doesn't help where should i go.  
Plant power girl  
P.S.u have great advice where were u before**

Plant power girl,

You want to join . . . Bane? That guy from the Batman movie? The one who's all like, 'YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DIE'? Sorry, bud, you're in the wrong city.

If you want to join the Teen Titans, that's a no-no. And no, I'm not using that as a double negative.

My suggestion? Doom Patrol. Or you could hide underground for a while.

-Aiman Inja

"Sir?" Slade was jolted from his newspaper trance into the real world by Wintergreen's frail voice.

"OH! Hmm, yes, Wintergreen?" He looked up momentarily to see the man standing no less than five feet away.

"I have retrieved your cereal and hot chocolate. Three pink marshmallow bunnies, three blue. All main Titans in their marshmallow form are present in your bowl of cereal, both the founding team, Titans East, honorary Titans, and minor villains. I have picked all of the Jerichos out, due to your distaste of them from past experiences. Is it to your liking, sir?"

"Yes, thank you. Please leave me alone now."

"As you wish."

And he was gone.

Slade was left to take sips of the cocoa and eat his breakfast in peace. He did it as he always did, first fishing out all the Slade heads and Robins to safety on his accompanying napkin, and smashing the other four founders violently with his spoon to get back at them for taking his new best frie – I mean, apprentice. The apprenticeship thing wasn't so he could have a new best friend because he feared the Wintergreen was getting too old and couldn't play hopscotch anymore.

The honorary Titans and Titans East were left in the bowl to enjoy, as he liked watching their faces melt in the milk and pretending he was a big scary monster eating them all. The minor villains were fished out afterwards, once the battle was done, so they could be his brainwashed army who would lead him to victory along with Robin.

As for the actual cereal part, he ate it because they were shapeless and lame attempts to make Titans tower, and he needed the 6 grams of fiber it offered.

"Doodly doodly doo!" he hummed, pulling out 8 Robins from the very large bowl. 4 Slade masks followed, accidentally accompanied by a Starfire.

"AAAAHHH! NOOOO!" he yelled, smashing her face in on the napkin.

Slade then attempted to take a bite, only to realize his mask was still on and he couldn't eat anything unless it was through a very thin straw. Taking it off, he began to read again.

**Dear Aiman Inja  
YOUR NAME SOUNDS I'M A NINJA! DEAL WITH IT!  
Okay so i'm a superhero with air powers but i keep loosing control. I've almost been thrown into jail 2 times. Any tips on how to control my powers? Anyone you know who could give me some pointers?  
Tired of losing control.**

Tired of losing control,

. . . I know it does, okay? It's supposed to be that way. Errr . . . my father had a good sense of humor?

ANOTHER SUPERHERO? Oh gosh, how many of these are there?!

Uhhh, maybe you could try sticking your hands in the ground? I mean, Earth is the opposite of air, right? At least I heard that on tv.

Don't know what else to try. Sorry.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman inja,  
Well, i've been reading your advice column for a while, and it got me thinking, i wonder if i know Thermite on Ice and Speed-tazer, they seem so familiar. But i couldn't know Thermite, because none of my friends have powers! Anyway, enough rambling, on to the question! Hypothetically, if i were to say... Develop electrokenesis, would you think the titans would take me? 'cause i'm absolutely sure that if they reject me, the intense emotion would lead to me starting either my own branch of titans for the midwest, or starting a villainous titans. More than likely the second one, because if i'm a villain, i get to work with villains like captain cold, or professor zoom. And i'm a massive flash fan, so working with his rougues gallery would be an absolute epic win. Also, i saw a video of beast boy wearing a cape, with an emblem that said BM. He is aware, that even though the name beast man is rather fitting, BM stands for bowel movement? Just sayin. Anyhow, i would like to know!  
Resonant lightning**

P.S. you made a time machine out of a delorian?

Resonant Lightning,

Yes, hypothetically. Electrokinesis, hmmm? Well, I don't think they have any spaces open, but if you'll make a villain team to retaliate . . . hey, look! One just opened up. Titans North? You good with that?

Go ahead, ask them. I'm sure Beast Boy just ran down the hallway to tell Robin.

Yes, he found that out while he was looking at all the comments on Youtube. No, he doesn't know what it means. Yes, Cyborg told him. Yes, he squealed and changed back his costume. Story over.

-Aiman Inja

**So Aiman Inja,**

I seem to have run out of jokes. My friends and I joke about Sladin all the time, because one of us only needs to SAY the word Sladin for us all to burst into laughter, but lately we've been unable to come up with any new ones. I'm also disappointed to say there is no one online who has any. Got any ideas?

Signed, Robinsgoingtokillme.

.-. Break.-.-.

Slade gasped. SLADIN?! WHAT THE [insert four letter word of your choice here] WAS SLADIN?!

He looked it up on Wikipedia and nearly fainted.

.-. Break.-.-.

Robinsgoingtokillme,

Here's a great joke!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy! AHAHAHA!

I have lots, just write again if you want to hear the others!

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
Just for the record, I think these advice column things are stupid. But I could really use the advice, and most of the stuff you write is at least interesting. So.  
My life sort of sucks right now. I learned that my Dad, the most important person in my life, only acknowledged me because my brothers wanted nothing to do with him. As the youngest and only girl, I was always "third best". Which kind of stung, because I would have done anything he asked to make him proud. And he asked me to do a lot of...not-so-good stuff. Like, the kind of stuff that gets a normal person sent to jail.  
Then a while ago he just up and disappeared. I'm don't exactly want to go looking for him, but I'm not totally sure what to do now. My brother has a life for himself now, and I kind of doubt he'd want to see me, a constant reminder of the guy he's spent the past several years trying to forget about. Plus he's part of this "super-power police force", your friend Beast Boy's kind of thing. Seeing as I'm technically a former criminal accomplice, I don't think they'd want me there either. Aaaand, along with living in an abandoned office building, I still have the urge to stab everyone/thing that moves.  
I don't know what to do. Advice would be welcome.  
Thanks,  
Violet Worth  
P.S. If you're not a ninja, does that make you a samurai? 'Cuz no offense, but I don't think that's your thing .**

Violet Worth,

I don't know what to do either. And if you're living in an abandoned building, how did you get this letter here? And if you have the urge to stab everyone/thing that moves, how did you mail this without murdering a fourth of Jump City? And still on that, how do you expect to get this newspaper without turning into a bloodthirsty animal?

Since you're probably not reading this, I'm going to assume that you won't get any advice whether I write down any or not.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

My brother is dead, my son is a superhero, my daughter cut out her right eye to be like me, and my ex wife shot my right eye with a gun. What do I do?

I'm not Slade

.-. Break.-.-.

Slade stood up from his couch.

"POSERRRRRR!"

.-. Break.-.-.

I'm not Slade,

Of course you're not Slade. Slade's dead. Right?

What do you mean, 'what do I do?'. I can't tell you anything unless you have a problem. Is all that stuff interfering with your job? Is it interfering with your daily Fresh Prince of Bel Air tv schedule? If not, then you're fine.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja  
I need help NOW! I'm obsessed with YouTube! I'm also obsessed with these two channels called SMOSH and ShaneDawsonTV! How can I stop this while still watching videos. Also is it weird that I think Beast Boy is sexy?  
-YouTube Obssesed**

Youtube Obsessed,

This is all a natural part of life. You see when a girl or boy gets to a certain age, they begin to realize how the real world works. Which in this generation, is on Youtube.

Most things on Youtube are wonderful and great, such as the things you're watching. I love Smosh amd ShanDawsonTV as much as the next guy. So as long as you're not watching Beast Boy singing I'm Sexy and I Know It posted by RobotMan2.0 over and over again, I think you're fine. Just limit yourself to 2 hours a day, so you have an hour for homework and productive stuff, and an hour for Ian, Anthony, and Shane.

-Aiman Inja

**Hey Aiman Inja  
How u come up with the name? Well how do I put this... I really like this titan and I thought I would write them a letter as thanks for saving us time and time again but I'm shy how can I do it  
Letter shy**

Letter Shy,

OH MY GOSH YOUR NAME SOUNDS LIKE FLUTTERSHY!

You're writing a letter to me. A normal guy. Who doesn't have green skin. At all.

So you must be able to write a letter to the Titans. Just pretend you're writing a letter to a friend. All the Titans love fanmail. And don't forget to mention that Beast Boy is your favorite!

-Aiman Inja

**Aiman Inja**

I told my parents, my friends, even my dog something that none of them believed. I said I saw a Flying car through my bedroom window. The funniest thing was that a tiger was driving it! XD I swear what I saw was real. Nobody believes me. Do you know how I could make them believe me? Am I hallucinating or am I crazy!

Have you ever watched Soul Eater? It's so awesome! :)

- does that make me crazy?

**Does That Make Me Crazy?**

Love your name. Classic song.

No, it doesn't make you crazy. I have seen a giant concrete man smash buildings, a giant plasmic man destroy sidewalks, and a giant electricity man short out the cable company because of its unfair prices. Basically, there are giant men made out of various things running loose in Jump, so a tiger driving a flying car isn't that interesting.

Just show your friends a picture of Plasmus the Friendly Whale and they'll believe you.

Nope, haven't watched Soul Eater. I get a limited amount of tv time ever since a strange incident with Galaxy Wars. My friends enforce the schedule violently.

-Aiman Inja

**Hey Aiman Inja,  
So I rescued a puppy and secretly brought him up in my apartment, but since his arrival, he's developed a problem. Well, maybe several, but lately he's grown an obsession of chewing and gorging down socks. I didn't have time to collect my non-chewed ones before he started diving into my roomates' socks. This, and a long history of stained pillows and shredded shoes, made them really irritated. They threatened to tell the landlady, who peeves anything that walks on all fours, that a puppy is living in one of her rooms.  
I love my dog so much and I don't want to move out or give him away, so can you tell me a method for him to stop chewing socks? How can I have an animal coexist with a few exasperated roommates?**

Also, something tells me that Beast Boy would love the new Indian-vegetarian joint that opened south of the mall. If possible, can you please tell him to try the mango chutney? And something else tells me that you'll love this one Youtube video where Beast Boy struts his stuff and sings 'I'm Sexy and I Know It'. I heard it broke the record of having the most views in two days than that other hilarious Beast Boy video.

Signed,

Nearly Hounded Out

Nearly Hounded Out,

Well, maybe you should get him into a dog training school, or have a dog whisperer come over. If it's a little pricey, just get him a chew toy. Leave some of those tough dog treats that take a while to wear down with him if you go out (they actually taste pretty good). Or you could ask your friends to pool up some money with you to buy him a new pack of socks every month or so. You could also just stuff some socks, sew them together nice and tight, spray it with that long-lasting spray stuff, and give it to him. It'll last for at least 6 months. Does he not like a certain type of food? Stuff a sock with it one day, throw it to him, he'll chew it, hate the taste, and stop chewing on them if you do it enough.

If for some reason none of these options work, you can have the Titans phone up their buddy Soto and his intelligent green dog to talk to him. The dog can convince any dog of anything. I'm sure he can get yours to stop chewing on socks and shoes.

**-Aiman Inja**

**Hi Aiman Inja  
So ok I dont know how well u r at this stuff but yesterday my friend texted me asking if I like this boy we both know...he's my friend and her's but I dont know how I feel...He's a good friend but I dont know if I have a crush on him. I mean Im not use to this kind of stuff and in honestly I just cant decide if its a yes or should I do? Should I give it time? Should I honestly just let my feelings come out when they r ready if they r ever ready?**

**-Not Feeling Ready (Confused Crush)**

Not Feeling Ready,

I see that you like text language. Yes u r going to have 2 wait. If u dont know if u like him ur gonna have 2 wait. Bsides, if u have to think about it so long u probably dont. Lol. Brb. Ttyl. Bye.

-Aiman Inja

**"Aiman Inja,  
It has come to my attention that you run the advice column for this city, and your fascination for a certain super hero and optional apparel has led you to give very poor advice to your readers (or rather, a certain little green reader that does not have grammar deficiencies, but attention span deficiencies instead), and I feel I must correcct you before I again become sane. . . .**

NO CAPES! Do you remember Thunderhead? Tall, storm-powers, nice man, good with kids. NOVEMBER 15th, 1958, all was well, another day saved, when his cape snagged on a missile fin. STRATOGAL, APRIL 23, 1957, cape caught in a jet turbine. Metaman, express elevator; Dynaguy, snag-down take-off; Splashdown, sucked into a vortex; NO CAPES! Frankly, I'm surprised nothing has happened to Bird Boy yet. Cloaks don't count, they're acceptible. Besides, the cape would just dissappear like all his other clothes when transforming anyway; what is your problem with undergarments in public, he's nude half of the time in front of his friends and opponents already, so your complaint of his friend's filming is moot.

E.D. Namode"

E.D. Namode,

WOW! YOU'RE THAT GUY FROM THE INCREDIBLES MOVIE!

One question, are you a guy or a girl? Honestly, I can't tell.

Alright, Beast Boy won't be wearing a cape anymore. Or sewing on the letters BM on his costume. He has been thoroughly scolded for his misbehavior and had to write the sentence 'I WILL NOT ALTER MY COSTUME' ten times on Robin's blackboard. Besides, it was just an old bedsheet that turned green after all the use.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
Did you see the new video with Beast Boy on Youtube singing "I'm Sexy And I Know It"? I think it was Cyboarg.**

-**Teehee**

Teehee,

Yes, for the fortieth time, I did. And it's Cyborg, not Cyboarg.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja  
Ok so I made a bet with my friends and lost but because I lost I have to go up to one of the titans(the one with purple hair) and pour a bucket of worms on her then push her down. But I don't want to...I respect this person as a hero what do I do  
Scared from bet**

Scared from bet,

First of all, I doubt you'll be able to catch her while she's out of her room because she'll be fighting monsters and stuff.

Secondly, if you did somehow succeed in pushing her down and dumping the bucket on her, you're probably dead right now.

Thirdly, as this is my actual advice, DON'T DO IT! YOU'LL BE THROWING AWAY YOUR LIFE!

Tata!

-Aiman Inja

.-. Break.-.-.

Slade had finished his cereal.

"Winteeerrrgrrreeeeeen!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Could you please take this bowl and put it in the wash?"

"Of course, sir."

Slade thought for a minute, then stopped the man right before he walked out the door.

"Wintergreen?"

"Yes?"

"Once you do that, could you just do one more thing for me?"

"And what would that be?"

"Could you bring my Robin Pillow Pet? And my Starfire Pillow Pet? Leave the others, I just want to rest my head and feet."

"As you wish."

"Oh, and the Silkie Pillow Pet, please. I need a cuddle buddy too."

Wintergreen nodded and walked out.

.-. THE NEWSPAPER.-.-.

**Dear Aiman,  
Okay, this might sound crazy, but I was walking down the street one day, and I heard this chanting about a gem and evil's fire and claiming and siring and the end of all things mortal. Then, the next thing I new, half the buildings in the city were in total disrepair. I never saw what did it, but my neck suddenly felt really stiff. Do you know anything about how this might have happened?  
Sincerely,  
Confused in California**

Confused in California,

No.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
I sleep all the time. This isn't my problem. The problem is that I'm a bit of a... "Monster" when I wake up. And I don't just mean right after I wake up, I'm mean the whole time until I fall asleep. And to make things worse, these five kids always punch me and throw things at me. If you have any idea how to help, please do.  
Also, do you know of any energy drinks that taste like toxic waste? Thanks.  
Sincerely,**

**Narcoleptic**

Narcoleptic,

POSER ALERT!

You can't be who you say you are because if you were you wouldn't be writing this letter, you'd be terrorizing the city and getting beat up by the Teen Titans! They only punch you so you won't destroy anything,

No, but there's a nuclear power plant ironically placed in a city full of villains that could use its power to their will at any time but they haven't done it yet. They have plenty of toxic waste there.

-Aiman Inja

.-. 'S LOVELY HOUSE.-.-.

Slade put down the paper. Interesting column . . . sincere advice with a bit of humor. Perhaps that was the way to take over the world.

Looking at the clock, he saw it was 11:30 already. One half hour until his noon tea party with all his Pillow Pets. His dilemma could possibly be solved. The next paper came out . . . tomorrow! He could write a letter, send it in, and find out what to do tomorrow morning!

He quickly sat down on the ground, pulling an ironically convenient piece of paper and pen out from under. Then, he began writing.

_Dearest Darlingest Aiman Inja,_

_I need some help. Serious help. My mother is coming over and I accidentally ripped the pink sweat shirt she gave me for my birthday a few months ago! What do I do? I suck and sewing and knitting, and she was the one who made and designed it!_

_Signed,_

_Mommy's Little Soldier_

Slade looked back over his letter. Then Wintergreen came in with his Pillow Pets.

The clock bonged 12.

He went to go have a tea party.

**DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER!**

**Beast Boy's advice will be in the next one. :)**

**I don't own Pillow Pets. I do own Titan O's, so don't go thinking it's a real cereal.**

**Reviews, please and thank you!**

**I eat reviews with my Titans O's every morning! :D**

**The following paragraph is a chattering ramble about my favorite part of my trip to Disneyland.**

**OH MY GOD, I WENT ON STAR TOURS AND IT WAS AMAZING! GAH!**

**THEN I GOT THIS SHIRT WITH A LITTLE CHIBI STORM TROPPER WITH A GUN THAT HAD THESE TWO TINY WHITE FLAGS POPPING OUT OF IT SAYING, "PEW! PEW!".**

**Okay, done. ;)**

**Bantha Kisses,**

**Alyssa, TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSabe r**


	6. Resonant Lightning

**Howdy ya'll! So, school's started on Monday for me, and you all know what that means. Cue sad 'awwww' track from old sitcoms. I won't be updating as much.**

**But on the bright side, I'm updating today! YAY!**

**Okay, so the only thing I really would like to ask of you guys today about letters (because I love your letters, really!) is to not write back. Please. I know I said to write back, but have you seen an advice column where it's the same people writing back each week? No. So please ya'll, don't write back. I'll answer a few of the write backs today since ya'll didn't know, but this is the last time. If you write back, I'm not answering!**

**That's all I MUST have you know, so if you don't want to socialize with me and the big crowd of readers who like me enough to keep reading this lame author's note (*grabs the one person who stayed behind and clinks juice boxes with them*), just go ahead, read the disclaimer, and look at the story.**

**For all of you who stayed, return my high-five in your review and I will mention ONE fedora chosen author pen name as a villain/hero/civilian (whatever their name sounds like) in whatever I update next! :D**

**HIGH-FIVE!**

**Okay, so my rambling paragraph is about to begin. Guys, I just started watching Young Justice a couple weeks ago and I am now OBSESSED. I love all the characters and their awesome personalities (M'GANN IS CRAZE AMAZE!), and while I do think Robin's voice from Teen Titans is better, I am glad he doesn't look like a traffic light anymore! And you know what else I love? They actually tell you their ages and identities! I didn't like season 2 as much, because what's the point of getting to learn about and love all these characters, with their in depth backgrounds and lives, then have them skip 5 years and be totally different! Then they introduce new characters (who I like, especially Lagoon Boy, he's funny :)) and expect us to do the entire 'getting to know you' song montage again?!**

**Alrighty, socialization is over! Thanks for hanging with me, and ON WITH THE STORY!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own any Teen Titans. ****Nope, nada, no ****way**** José.**

Sunshine and butterflies enveloped the prancing green bunny and he hippity-hopped through a soft, musical meadow with abounding numbers of pink and yellow blooms swaying in the breeze around him.

NOT!

Beast Boy was running, faster than ever before (at least, in cheetah form), trying to distract the 50-foot-tall maiden shape formed out of paper. The villain they were trying to defeat, Paper Mache, rode on her shoulder, cackling. His powers (which were pretty much making paper products come to life) had made a wreck of Jump so far, and the Titans were failing to stop him.

Starfire's starbolts had set the pages on fire easily, but Paper Mache had simply stomped them out or let the windy day take care of it. Robin's birdarangs ripped through sheets of paper but nothing else and the villain only had to snap his fingers to summon some paper from a nearby shop and patch the wound. And Cyborg's sonic cannon? Paper just absorbed the sound. Beast Boy had been put on distraction that time, due to the new 'mission assignment wheel' Robin had put on the fridge.

Raven had finally thrown a giant gasoline tank at the paper female, dousing her in the lethal substance. Signaling Starfire to send in a bolt, the gas caught on fire, engulfing the female in flames. But Paper Mache just chuckled.

"Stupid kids! I wasn't that lame! Ever heard of FLAME RETARDANT PAPER?!"

Robin face-palmed.

Beast Boy's communicator was in his mouth. Through his teeth, he told Robin his plan. Looking up, he saw Robin nod.

Then he turned right.

To the Jump City Bay.

Paper Mache began to panic. "No, no, no! Manilla, don't follow the cat! Turn around, TURN AROUND!"

Pretty Miss Manilla jumped into the bay, trying to catch the kitty, who seeming disappeared. She quickly began to melt, farther and farther into the water, until she was nothing but a giant pool of sludge. The villain, who used to be in a snappy notebook paper suit and tie, was now . . . naked.

Technically he had his shoes on. And socks. But his suit and tie and, erm, underpants, had melted into nothing.

"You are arrested," said Robin, pinning him to the ground and snapping on a pair of handcuffs, "For attempting to destroy the town and public nudity."

**Page Break, cuz whenever I put lines in the page, they don't show up.**

Beast Boy crawled into his room, exhausted from the fight. He had paper where no man should ever have paper. Yup, you know what I'm talking about.

In his socks.

What? What did you think I was going to say?

You sick, sick people.

Pulling out various chunks of paper, he came up with a soggy magazine, a half crumpled post-it note, some cardstock, and a page of the Jump City Times.

Crud.

The Jump City Times. He'd forgotten to submit that week! It was his last try out week on the job. If he didn't get it in they could . . . they could . . . FIRE HIM!

Wringing out his boots (the spandex suit was fine, it was like wearing a Speedo to the beach), he jumped into his chair and turned on his computer. Check email, open file, probably only five or so letters.

HOLY GUAC, OVER TWENTY!

He slammed his face into the keyboard, causing a giant string of y's to go rolling down the screen. For a few minutes, he quietly sobbed into the letters. No he wasn't sad. But he had to WORK HARD!

Then he copied and pasted and began answering them.

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
I have an annoying little brother that always get's what he wants. If he wants a toy, he gets it. If he wants to see a movie, he gets to. But whenever I ask my parents for anything they start yelling at me 'For being ungrateful' and "Money doesn't grow on trees' I don't know what I do to make them angry, but when they do these things I get anger issues. Help?  
Please Help,  
Where is the Love?**

Where is the Love?,

I don't have a little brother. Or sister. In fact I'm the youngest in what I guess you'd call my family. So I have no experience in what you're talking about. Of course, my best friend never buys any video games for me, but instead uses his money for himself. Weekly oilings on his joints, waxings on his chest and back, even ear mufflers for his car. Not one new video game ever. Not even a stop at my fave tofu joint. He gets mustard for my other friend and books and stuff for another. But no video games for me.

So, to get rid of that anger, I suggest punching a wall. Or sabotaging your friend. But don't do it right before a fight. Oh, and don't set up a prank for him that could possibly be accidently triggered by the friend that likes mustard. Because she will give you the silent treatment and call you a Chlorine Bag or something like that.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aimen Inja  
I am going into eighth grade and I suck at remembering to do my homework. WHAT DO I DO? Also i have been obsessed with fanfiction. Is this bad?  
Forgets-homework**

Forgets-homework,

Yes, it is very bad. Because fanfiction is an evil that pairs up people who do not want to be paired up against their will.

What you do is just get the most obnoxious alarm ringtone there is. Then you get it on your phone. Then you set yourself an alarm using that ringtone telling you to do your homework. Then you tape the phone to your head. And WALAH! You will be forced to do your homework because of it.

Or you could make up a song telling you which homework you need to do. I do that. Except, I don't have homework. So technically I don't. See what I did there?

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja  
Sohere's my deal: I need to wake up veery early to go to school, like 4:30 am or something, Right?,you see I DO wake up and everything, take my shower got dress and got on the bus on time but my problem is: between 8:00 and 13:00 I am falling asleep, but I'm still at school!  
I need to find a way to keep me awake, I hate coffee, and I only drink black tea to keep me awake, and it doesn't work very much, you see it only works for like 2 hours, I NEED TO STAY AWAKE THE WHOLE DAY! like when i'm sleeping in class, what do i do to keep me awake ?! i try to shake my head, focus on something, and I just can't , I can't get up in the middle of the class to stretch my body, WHAT DO I DDOOOO?! Help me TAT  
-ZZZZZzzzzzz...**

ZZZZZzzzzzz…,

Get a joke shock buzzer! All you have to do is wear that shock ring everywhere, and when you feel like falling asleep, you shake your own hand! DUH! Then you get buzzed awake. I'm not sure what that will do to your health, but who cares?

Ice water works well, too. Drink a bottle when you get tired, and stick another one in your pants, just in case. The only problem is that it looks kinda awkward when it sticks out in the wrong direction. And then when it melts…

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman,  
My name is Quertie. My dad has a weird sense of humor, too. The thing is, me and my brother Asdef both really are obsessed with the computer. I spend 25 hours a day on it. The other negative one hour is sleep. How can I get rid of this obsession that I am doomed to have by my birthright?  
Signed,  
Quertie Uiop**

Quertie Uiop,

You are doomed to have the obsession by your birthright. My friend once had that happen to her too. Then she got deaged, and the world turned to stone . . . I mean, that didn't happen . . . you should rebel against your father. That'll work. Then shoot lasers at him and banish him to the dimension in which he came from! Then you will be able to live life just as it was before, except not because the evil inside of you doesn't threaten to take you over all the time.

-Aiman Inja

**Aiman Inja  
Ok so do u think this is strange, I'm mostly vegetarian, I won't eat steak hamburgers, sea food any thing meat but hotdogs. I grew up eating hotdogs and I love them. But my doctor says I'm mostly vegetarian and I don't find it weird but my mom says I should at least start trying tofu but tofu it seems so...yuck I mean I have never had it before but when I go to the market I always hear someone complaining that it's gross. Is it should I try it?  
Hotdog vegetarian**

Hotdog Vegetarian,

Sorry, dude, you are NOT a vegetarian. Don't be in denial or whatever, but hotdogs are made with meat. And if you eat them, the vegetarianism is gone. You. Are. Not. A. Vegetarian. Like Yoda said, 'To do or not to do, there is no try'. My version is 'Vegetarian or not vegetarian, there is no 'mostly vegetarian''. And both of us are right because green people will someday rule the world.

Not that I'm green.

And tofu is great. Gosh.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja  
Whose ur favorite villians? Least favorite? Why do they try to take over the world and or steal? It makes no sense whatsoever. But that isn't my problem my problem is that whenever I go to my friends house and see a spider they won't let me. No they r not spiderman its just against what they believe how do I try to fight the urge o kill spiders at their house and spiderman if u r reading this I'm sorry if I offended u u rock and is it true that robin is most popular male Titan then cyborg then beast boy?  
Spider killer**

Spider killer,

Idk! Who's urs? Wud u like me to keep speakin in txt talk? U hv 2 1st!

Is ur frend's name Fang? I it is, den u should prbly no he has a spider head!

No, that's no tru! Beaast Boy's de best!

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

I've got a bad habit. After I started training in self defense I got a habit of attacking anything that takes me by surprise. I'm serious, I punted a cat down the street because it startled me. Its a serious problem.

Overly Agressive

Overly Aggressive,

Ever heard of therapy? Maybe you should try that. I tried it once, and got over my fear of talking tofu. The nightmares went away! My therapist's name was Logan, and he was pretty cool. He told me all about being a superhero and having amnesia and his aggressiveness helped. The last thing he said to me was, 'IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, YOU BETTER GET OVER THIS STUPID FEAR RIGHT NOW!' and he brandished his really shiny, long fingernails at me. And that night, I stopped having nightmares! He was a genius.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja**

Me and my dumbass friends got into this argument over who is the best WWE Superstar of all time is, they claim its CM Punk, but its so obviously Chris Jericho, I mean seriously, CM Punk? Anyway, how do I convince those idiots that I'm right?

From  
Jerichoholic

Jerichoholic,

Umm, I only know one Jericho, and he sits on mountains with goats and sheep and plays guitar, so I'm pretty sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Get a hypnotist or something, sheesh.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear 'boku shinobi no mono dayo',**

My sanity is completely and utterly doomed. No, I have not eaten any suspicious pies. Nor have I recieved strange gifts in the mail, or gone to strange academies filled with staircases and hypnoscreens. I have endured something far more torturous and prolonged - middle school. All three years. And when I finally graduated and got to leave - I was never the same. I think it messed with my mind more thoroughly than Brother Blood himself. I seem to be muttering to myself more and more these days. And blethering. And occasionaly swearing in odd languages. The only person I can truly be honest with is my bff - and she's just as scarred as I am! Last night on the phone we were talking about garlic and apples, and we realized how screwed up the world is. And how mind screwy. I suppose the root of the problem is that neither of us could stand to get a B in school - even a 93 is nerve-racking. So we do our homework. But regular classes are so boring and repetitive, so we always end up in tho honors classes. With teachers who don't realize that the same pool of children keep ending up in all the honors/AP classes. So far school hasn't even started yet, and I have made a reader's window, a reading/theme/connection chart, 7 charts about Human geography, and SEVENTY EIGHT FREAKING VOCAB CARDS WITH PICTURES. -_-

I'm bribing myself with a careful mix of fanfiction, hetalia, and chocolate, but I'm already undulating my 'cilia', ranting about nothing-in-particular in gobbledegook to my books, and going through mood changes like a youngling who just developed a mind full of emoticlones without first learning to meditate!

I need help. Preferably from someone who isn't prone to sing/anouncing her emotions (bff: 'melancholy, melancholy, melancholy, saaad, saaad, saaad, melancholy, melancholy, melancholy')

Ayuna me!

p.s. OMG they caught Robin! I saw him! In a clear plastic box at the movie theater. I think the headless yankee dude-pillow wants to use the claw on him! Can you tell the Titans for me? I want them to know where to look. Oh, and I suspect Slade - he's obviously funding himself with a series of fiction books filled with skewed information about the undead and how to survive various stuff. No idea why he chose the first name 'Arthur' though.

Ayuna me!,

You. Are. Crazy.

I'll send Raven over. She doesn't sing her emotions. Or even express them, period.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
School's starting soon, and this is going to be my last year at this particular school. Got any advice on how to make my last year at this school memorable?  
Signed,  
Precious Moments**

Precious Moments,

Get a girlfriend/boyfriend. Go to all the dances. Join a sport. Help save the world.

AND PLAN PRANKS!

Okay, so what you do is put superglue on all the handles on the sinks in the bathroom.

Switch out everyone's homework with weird drawings.

Run into the classroom screaming, "FIRE, FIRE, THERE'S A FIRE IN THE BATHROOM!".

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja  
Ok so u do great advice but what do u do when ur little niece who is ten years younger then u refuses to leave u alone  
Annoyed with kids**

Annoyed with kids,

Act snarky and mean and sarcastic, take her on a trek through the mountains, get chased by a giant monkey, and look after her two brothers. Then you will grow a very strong bond with the three of them and the guy who really really likes you will now have a reason to try and hang out with you.

-Aiman Inja

**Aiman Inja  
Ok so u might think I'm crazy but I think kyd wykkyd and a Titan with purple hair would make a good couple but everyone I know think I'm crazy, am I or is my opinion just different  
Wykkyd rules**

Wykyyd rules,

NO NO NO NO NO!

Raven does not belong with him! SHE BELONGS WITH ME!

Erm . . . I mean, everyone has their own opinion so people shouldn't pick on you. Let's sing Kumbaya now, okay?

-Aiman Inja

**Airman Inja**

I have two questions. 1, What do i do if my mom is hogging the tv? Seriously, I never get to watch my fav. Shows anymore because she's always watching disgusting shows like hoarding burried alive and mystery diagnosis(I don't like these shows. I mean no offense if you like these shows.

2, do you know how to fix a pair of headphones? My favorite headphones are now broken!

-no more TV for me

No more TV for me,

It's called saving up money and buying a tv for your own use.

And no, but I can ask my robot friend.

-Aiman Inja

**Dearest Darlingest Aiman Inja,**

**I need some help. Serious help. My mother is coming over and I accidentally ripped the pink sweat shirt she gave me for my birthday a few months ago! What do I do? I suck and sewing and knitting, and she was the one who made and designed it!**

**Signed,**

**Mommy's Little Soldier**

Mommy's Little Soldier,

Oh. Well, ummm . . . I KNOW! Bake her some cookies. Then say you're very sorry. And she will forgive you, because that is what mommies do!

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
I'm going to have to be careful, so my friends don't pick up on this.. It's thermite again, even though i signed differently.. and judging by the letters you got from speed tazer and resonant lightning, we may just have a situation that might involve the justice league... Very soon. Good job with offering resonant lightning a titans north, if she takes the job, we're in somewhat less of a dangerous situation.. There's still a few.. Ahem... BURNING problems though, and if your MIND is READING what i'm saying, we still need to act QUICKLY to avoid an incident, because the last thing we need is a LiGHTNING STORM of a problem, since batman and night- errr, robin aren't getting along too well. TECHNOLOGICALLY speaking, a SHIFT in POWER from pc to macintosh wouldn't be too good. Now that i've conveyed my message, i would like to point out that resonant lightning made a Back To The Future reference in her letter, and i'm questioning why you didn't notice it, since time travel is awesome. And it SOUNDS like there's lots of new heroes in jump that i don't know about. Anyway, hope you pick up on this, and my friends don't.  
Frozen-red alert**

Frozen-red alert,

Got it. I think.

And time travel is awesome.

-Aiman Inja

-Page Break-

Beast Boy clicked SEND.

Suddenly, outside, the wind began to pick up. Crashes of thunder rocked the skies, and lightning smashed the ground in deadly bolts. Even from four stories up and a boat ride away, Beast Boy could hear the panicked screams of people from Jump. Rain beat the windows and hammered away at the city. Robin was on the intercom in a split second.

"Titans! Trouble! Someone find out WHO'S CAUSING THIS LIGHTNING STORM!"

The five of them ran out onto the roof.

"Thunder! Lightning!" yelled Robin, "Stop it! You're hurting people!"

The two brothers materialized in front of the team.

"This storm, Robin, it was not us," began Lightning, "Is it, brother? Was it of your doing?"

"No," said Thunder, "This is not natural. And we did not start it. Who could have done this? And what is the extent of their power?"

Beast Boy gulped. "Could it be . . . Resonant Lightning?" He pointed.

From the city was a twirling vortex of water, and a girl with brown hair in a ponytail was sitting at the top of it, her arms outstretched.

"Riptide, lift me higher! I need to get closer to the ozone layer!" she barked at another girl who was running alongside her. The girl nodded, and with a flick of her wrist, the water tornado grew taller. The ponytail girl snapped her fingers, and more bolts of lightning slammed into the ground.

"Teen Titans! I know you're there! Why couldn't I be let into your stupid little original club! Why Titans North, huh?!" she shouted at the tower, getting closer and closer. The number of lightning bolts multiplied. "Well, now I'm against you! GOT THAT?"

"Yes, Marisa, YES! Let your anger overcome you, and channel it to them!" a man in a pink angora sweatshirt yelled, running behind her towering vortex of now electrocuted water.

Beast Boy whimpered. What had he done?

**OKAY! DONE!**

**Sorry if some of the letters are a bit rushed, I kinda just wanted to get the last few over with so I could write the scene with Glacier's person. Resonant Lightning, Thermite on Ice, and Speed Tazer are now going to be integrated into the plot. After I clear them up, I'll do a few fillers on a bunch of different people reading the newspaper, then I might start on the 'I wonder whose writing this and why he sounds so much like Beast Boy?' plot idea.**

**Glacier, I hope you don't mind I made Resonant Lightning a girl and already made an entire fake team for her. I'll try to make good OCs, and I' . ., could I use your cheerleader person on the team?**

**I will not be updating as often as I'd like, perhaps only every couple weeks. But I will not abandon this story, no matter how long it takes. Alrighty?**

**Bantha Kisses,**

**Alyssa, TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSabe r**


	7. Tranquilizer Sammich

**Hey ya'll! So sorry I haven't updated! School's messing with me, man! School started, I was okay. Writing and stuff. Then the homework barrage came and I stayed afloat, barely. Couldn't concentrate on this so much because I was getting into the feel of things. D:**

**Then my theatre production class put on the play 'Dr. Evil and the Basket of Kittens' for the world premiere, meaning I was the original Countess Gothma! Great, right? But that took up so many weekends, memorizing, practicing, and blocking.**

**Then came finals week and I stressed so much over it, I couldn't think! Soooooo . . . yeah. People have been irking me to update everything, and it makes me sad because I can't! So to apologize for lateness, I shall put ALL the names of the people who high-fived me into various chapters! Great, right?**

**…**

**So guess what? I wrote that author's note like, a month ago. Now, my class is putting on 'A Christmas Carol'! Exciting, right? Nope. I have to freakin SING. In front of an AUDIENCE. Shivers.**

**My birthday came and went, and now I'm 14! Whoo-hoo!**

**Then we got several major projects assigned over break, and I couldn't work on this fic more than an hour or so.**

**The best part about my life so far is a girly little secret called liking-someone-a-whole-lot (first person to give me the reference I made gets dedicated to in the next chap!). Sigh….**

**So, I'm sorry it's late. I'll add in a bunch of references and prize-type things in the fic, promise.**

**…**

**Boom! Another time skip! Another month- gone. We finished the play, and now we're working on UIL.**

**Perhaps I really should finish this chapter. Anyways, now that I'm on break I can! I loved our production of a Christmas Carol, and am now totally free to write for the next couple weeks!**

**And the power of liking-someone-a-whole-lot is still going on in my head, so just wait around if I update then go on a short hiatus. My life's kinda 'mrnurrphurnur', as my friends would say while waving their hands around their heads and crossing their eyes. It just means busy.**

**But anyways, since this month is the month of my one-year anniversary on this site, EVERYONE gets a free toothbrush, and I've given ya'll an especially long chapter.**

**A free holiday-themed oneshot for your choice for the first person who can tell me the name of the wife of Fred, Scrooge's nephew.**

**This chapter, the fedora chosen name was . . . JUNIPER NIGHT!**

**Anyways, hope ya'll are better off than me! On with the story!**

**Disclaimer: Teen Titans? Not mine!**

The great and powerful Beast Boy of Jump City had just been attacked by a ragtag group of superhero misfits, all pulled together by Slade. They wielded the power of the elements, blasting at him with a hurricane from above. Together with the electricity and water, a thunderstorm rumbled through the city, not letting up one bit. So the greatest, most powerful, most amazing and loved superhero in Jump (Beast Boy, if you didn't know) did only what the strongest of the strong, bravest of the brave, and honorable of the honorable acts that even Superman or Batman or Luke Skywalker never did.

He ran into his room, locked the door, hid under his blankets, and sucked his thumb.

An hour later, he shivered and got out from under his blanket tent and heard the arguments between Robin and Slade. It went a little something like this:

**Well, hello Robin.**

_What do you want, Slade?_

**That's simple. I want the Titans.**

_Why?_

**I suppose not all the Titans. Just you. Want to play hopscotch?**

_Call off your hurricane, leave my friends alone, and jump off this roof. I'll never join you, Slade._

**But Rooooobiiiiiiiin!**

_No 'but's. Do it now._

**No.**

_Slaaaade._

**Don't wanna!**

_Don't make me count to three._

**Nu-uh!**

_I'm doing it. One . . . _

**I don't wanna call off my hurricane! [stamps his foot]**

_Two . . . _

The conversation kept on looping somehow, and Robin would always get to two and a half before Slade pouted and made him start over. Beast Boy's breathing was shallow. He turned on his computer, and checked his email. Technology always made him feel better. That's why Cyborg was his best friend.

In his inbox was an email from the Jump City Times News Team.

**Dear Beast Boy,**

**Due to the alarming amount of letters and extreme request for the Advice Column, we are sending you some extras that just arrived in the mail today. We know that you are a busy superhero and in the midst of the 2****nd**** – wait, is it like, the fourth arrival of Slade now? If you count fanfictions, it's probably around the 263****rd**** re-arrival of Slade. We hear that he has brought with him several teens of raw power and destruction that could possibly lead to the next apocalypse. But we've had several near-apocalypses in Jump by now, so we're ready.**

**Here you go! They're due tomorrow, or YOU'RE FIRED YOU TOTAL IDIOT.**

**Hugs and Puppies,**

**The Jump City News Team**

Attached was a Word document with around ten or so letters. Beast Boy considered. Go back up to the roof and help his friends save the city from complete annihilation by a few juvenile delinquents? Or ignore them for a half hour or so and answer these letters. Duh, the honorable thing was the most important. He needed to do that.

He opened up the document and started answering.

Hey, just cause he needed to doesn't mean he has to, right?

-.-.-.-

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
So school has started for me and I'm a HUGE procrastinator. The only subject I actually do my homework is Language Arts. Yeah I'm a nerd, but I don't care! I also am sick with the fiction pox. The fiction pox is when spend way to much time reading fanfictions! I'm mental. T_T  
The-Procrasinator-Who-Loves-Fiction**

The-Procrastinator-Who-Loves-Fiction,

Wow. Creative name. Anyways, STAY AWAY FROM THAT FANFICTION STUFF! I TOLD PEOPLE BEFORE, BUT NOW IT'S JUST GETTING OUT OF HAND! PEOPLE ARE GETTING _SICK_ BECAUSE OF IT! I KNEW IT WAS GOOD FOR NOTHING!

And as for procrastination, I've treated several of these cases, so I suggest actually reading my previous columns.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja  
There is this boy at my school who is really cute. However I am WAY too shy to speak up. Any ideas on how to tell him?  
-2shy2speak**

2shy2speak,

Is he tall (okay, maybe 5'3) and sexy and green all over? If he is, I'm sure he'd be happy to date anyone. Unless you're blond. Then not really, because he's had bad experiences with blonds. The best thing you could do is probably go up to this guy and say "HI! Do you think I'm as cute as I think you are?". And if he says yes, ask him out. Or you could just pour gasoline on the ground in front of his house, in the shape of the words "Go out with me!", and set it on fire. It would be so eye catching. And hazardous. But eye catching all the same.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,  
do you have any recommendations as to how keep energy?, like how to keep your energy levels at maximum the whole day, 'cause, when i started my day I feel like i can do everything the world throws at me, but at the end of the end i feel like dying or sleeping for 12 hours, and there's no time for rest because i neeed to do homework T.T nuuuh  
- Energy level blinking on red**

Energy level blinking on red,

Well, I seem to keep up a lot of energy. Just be optimistic about everything, and crack jokes at other people or to yourself to keep your mood up. Usually, this will keep you awake and ready for stuff, plus you'll be super contagious with the smiles whenever you win a fight against a really bad guy who could possibly take over the Earth, then the solar system, then the universe, and perhaps even the entire cosmos.

Or homework, or whatever it is you do during the day.

-Aiman Inja

**Help me please Aiman Inja!**

I bought a book at the old book store near the docks. It's white, about a sorcerer named Malchiroid (I can't spell worth anything), and IT FREAKING TALKS! He says if I let him out of the book, he'll teach me magic!  
What do I do? Do I help him? Do I burn the book to protect the world? Do I demand a refund for the book?

from: I have an extrodinary book

I have an extrodinary book,

Everyone's so creative with names these days!

You know what you should do? You should stop pretending to be like the Teen Titans and let them do their own thing. Because I know for a fact that Raven opened a portal thing to another dimension that was filled with bunnies and sunshine and other things that MALCHIOR couldn't draw power from because he only knows dark magic, which is not in any way compatible with the magic of innocence, cuteness, friendship, or ponies. And then she tossed it in a lake.

So, I suggest you tell your roommate to stop pretending to be the book and whispering to you at night from under your bed. And if you happened to find the book in that dimension, you should put it on Craigslist. **[1]**

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja  
Ok seriously u r so cool! U should be a Titan! Ok well i don't know if u can help me but I'm joining the anime club at my school but I don't know how to draw anime any advice? also is it wrong of me to order a kids meal at mcdonalds wen I'm a freshmen? Look I'm sorry fr all these crazy questions but how can I get my friend to not be in love with Sherlock Holmes? Yes u heard me right! She loves Sherlock but I'm tired of her going on about it... She could say the same to me about array potter but how do I get it to stop? And can u tell me if beast boy is doing an autograph signing soon? He is way better then robin...  
Ur fan  
Girlwithseveralquestions**

Girlwithseveralquestions,

Ya'll are just getting better and better with the names, aren't you?

Okay:

1. I can't draw. I can write. I can give advice. I can almost win at checkers, sometimes. But I can't draw.

2. If you're small yes. If you're doing it for the toys, that's like taking a toy from a child. It's so wrong!

3. Get her a new obsession, whether it be One Direction, Twilight, or (my personal favorite) the great and powerful Beast Boy of Jump City.

4. You are so right. Robin is just a smooth talking, gel-headed traffic light who's too embarrassed to show off his eyes because he probably got his eyelashes burnt off in a fire or something and is now very self-conscious about them.

**dear Aiman Inja  
i seem to have this habit/disire to break anything and anyone i see what should i do  
(insert fancy goodbye here)  
flare**

Flare,

I don't think I understand your pen name. Flare…?

You are obviously lying because if that's a habit, the Teen Titans would have caught you by now and put you in a mental institution. That is, unless, if you're just really bad at ACTUALLY breaking things, so you just mindlessly beat things with your bony fists and never really hurt anything, in which case you really don't need help. You must have broken your pen right after you wrote this, didn't you?

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja**

Is it "Titans go!" or Titans, go!"? My teacher is trying to teach us sentence structure, and Titan's go is simple not compound. So now she's forbidden us from using commas in simple sentences unless we can give a reason for them going there besides 'it sounds right', and in compound sentences they can only go in front of a F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. conjunction! I miss commmmmmaaaaaaass!

Comma-happy

p.s. (Honton desu ka? 'Ninja' Chugoku-go desu, to shinobi no mono Nihon-go desu!)

Comma-happy,

It's "Titans, go!". Because Robin is addressing the Titans, then telling them to go. If there were no comma, it would mean he was describing us- I mean, the Titans, going. But not addressing them. Make sense?

I don't understand what language this is from. . . . I think I might just go ask a certain red-headed friend to kiss a few guys until she can read it.

-Aiman Inja

**Dear Aiman Inja,**

I needed mental help because I hear voices in my head, and they tell me to do things that I am not proud of. I went to my therapist and he ended up running out the building screaming. Now I've had this problem for a while. And the main problem from it is I get really defensive and I have great hearing so arguments start easy around me. Fights soon start and I hurt people. Some say I'm crazy, but I've only put a few people in a hospital. You seem like a wacky person. How do I stop getting in these insane arguments when my head voices tell me otherwise.

I'mnotcrazyyouare

p.s. I know where you sleep O_O not really

I'mnotcrazyyouare,

JUST TAKE THE MEDICINE, BUDDY! HANG IN THERE AND TAKE THE MEDICINE, NO MATTER WHAT THOSE VOICES SAY!

Get a some soothing candles, perhaps a cinnamon bun scented one **[2]**, and sit quietly in a dark room, lighting them. Ignore the voices. Your anger will soon sway and fall away.

-Aiman Inja

-.-.- Up on the Rooftop, _click click click _**[3]** -.-.-

Beast Boy could hear the yells getting more and more frantic. More and more people were showing up.

-.-.- Sunshine, Sunshine, Ladybugs Awake! Clap your hands . . . holy crap, it's a page break! **[4] **-.-.-

**Aiman,  
Des immortales, what a storm! Wonder who did it... Wait, i said who, weather isn't caused by people.. AAAAAARG MY HANDS ARE ON FIRE!1! This.. Isn't burning me? Oooohhh yeaaah, this is gonna be fun.. Hope the titans are ready for quite the blaze! Hey, that'd make a great villain name..  
blaze**

Blaze,

YOU ARE A PRINCE, NOT A VILLAIN! TO RESTORE YOUR HONOR, YOU NEED NOT TO BE A VILLAIN, BUT HELP THE SIDE OF GOOD! **[5]**

I see you got the new Siri thingy. Telling her what to type on the email . . . cool. How much did it cost?

By the way, what kind of advice are you looking for here?

-Aiman Inja

Dear Aiman Inja,  
I am of all universes, ones you know, ones you don't. My many mes are of one being. In some universes, we are villains, others, we're heros. I have come with a message... Watch your back, or your end is nigh.  
-Dimensional

Dimensional,

Lol wut?

-Aiman Inja

Dear Aiman Inja,  
The day Resonant Lightning attacked was the worst of my life, my house split in 2, I lost a leg, and no we haven't any money. THIS SUCKS!  
From Misery

Misery,

How the heck do you guys write so fast?! Resonant Lightning attacked an 2 HOURS ago!

And what do you expect me to do, get a draw from the bank? Well, soooooorry, but I'm broke!

-Aiman Inja

Dear Aiman Inja

I know that you hate fanfiction but I have recently started a draft for a story in which Beast Boy is a main character and well since your the Beast Boy expert.

The general plot is that Trigon has kidnapped Raven and is going to give her as a prize to which ever demon completes his challenges. Not only will the winner marry Raven but they will also gain access to Trigon's powers and will use them to concur and destroy thousands of dimensions starting with Raven and Beast Boys home. Beast Boy must save her from Trigons evil plans and the other titans and the Justice League must hold off Trigons armies.

So anyway do you know how I can find out what kind of underwear Beast Boy wears. I have Raven all figured out (my sisters are dancers and I have friends who are gymnasts).

It is vital for the plot as I have this scene in mind in which the next day Beast Boy may die so that night Beast Boy and Raven declare their love for one another during which they have a night of hot passionate love (don't worry I have thought of how to do it so Raven doesn't end up destroying everything in sight).

So any advice?

Love Attempting2Write

Attempting2Write,

Well, I know for a fact that Beast Boy wears BOXERS, NOT BRIEFS. NO MATTER WHAT CYBORG TOLD YOU, THEY'RE BOXERS! How he gets it into the spandex is for him to know and the general public to never find out.

And please, tell me the name of your story.

I mean – ew, fanfiction!

-Aiman Inja

Dear Aiman Inja,  
My friend is obsessed with Sherlock Holmes... Her birthday is in November but she wants something Sherlock related and there's this doll she wants. However it's a little pricey and I need advice. Shoud I make her something safe up money? Should I make her the doll or try to buy it for her?  
Sincerely,  
Giftless

Giftless,

Well, CLEARLY I'm a little late on getting this one. However, what you'll need to do is make a Sherlock doll and a Watson doll and perhaps a tent and a thief to go with them. **[6] **Of course, if she's one of those friends who gets what she wants and won't settle for less, I suggest just fleeing the country for a bit until she gets over the fact that you really didn't get her anything

Moral of the story? If it's out of your price range, don't get it for a friend. The last gift I gave to a friend was a penny, and it pretty much stopped universal domination by a giant red guy in a loin cloth.

-Aiman Inja

Hey Aiman Inja,

Did you see that whole showdown with the new superheroes... Well I suppose they're villains. That guy with the pink sweatshirt was weird. And vaguely familiar. Anyway...

I am a HUGE Titans fan. My friends have tried to distract me with everything from Fullmetal Alchemist to Gravity Falls. They even tried MLP:FiM - btw, I noticed you're a fellow brony ;)

Don't get me wrong, all of those are amazing... But holy shit the freaking Titans kick ass. Let me get to the point.

There's *one* particular couple who I obsess over more than the other Titans. I mean, all of them are awesome, I could go into details but i'm already WAY off topic. But its out of character for me because i'm not normally romantic in any kind of way. Here goes.

RAVEN AND BEAST BOY NEED TO GET TOGETHER.

-phew- Glad I got that out of my system. My problem is that I want to try to get them together... But i'm pretty sure you, along with the rest of Jump City, is familiar with Raven's tendency to throw people that annoy her off of tall buildings. (Especially ones she's secretly in love with... Hehe) BB could probably take it badly as well, but Raven's really the one to watch here.

Any suggestions on how, as a fan living in Jump City, thank the stars, I can try and maybe nudge them in the slightest of ways?

Or in the very least manage to get one of the Titans to intervene. I'm certain if Cyborg and I met up we could cook up a scheme. He notices way more than people think, and he's probably the best candidate for getting those two together.

Signed,  
Shameless Shipper.

Shameless Shipper,

I will not agree or disagree with you, because should a certain enchantress find out if I may or may not agree, I will most probably be thrown into the fiery depths of hell for a little while. But maybe if you can supply some mistletoe (the place I used to get it from shut down), I can try a different tactic **[7]**.

….Cyborg likes to hang out at that waffle place on the corner of Main and Hattinger. They call it 'Place with Waffles and Various other Breakfast Foods to Consume'. Or at least that's what Star calls it every now and then.

-Aiman Inja

-.-.-. PAGE BREAK .-.-.-

DING-DONG.

Hmmm . . . who could that be at this hour?

He showed up at the door with a plate of cookies, and offered it to the people at the door.

Standing outside, in the rain, was a frail looking old lady, accompanied by a boy, and a girl who was around 16. The elderly woman was wrinkle covered and had he ivory hair pulled up in a loose bun. She wore a pink angora sweater with a strange symbol on it, but it couldn't be determined by Beast Boy, who was having trouble seeing in the dark and stormy atmosphere.

The boy was around Beast Boy's age, and you could tell by his goofy smile that he was a mischievous kind of guy. In fact, he looked almost exactly like Beast Boy, except completely not. He was tall, with long-ish black hair flipping over his eyes. Brown eyes, a thin scar over his right cheek, and a happy grin completed that 'hot guy' look that deserved to be in One Direction. He was decked in a dark red v-neck and a dark gray jacket, black jeans, and combat boots. Fingerless black gloves covered his palms, but flames danced at his fingertips.

The girl, on the other hand, was in an orange and black cheerleader's outfit. Silver pompoms hung by her sides, and a long blond ponytail stuck to her back, slick with rain. She was clearly quite pretty, but her face looked hardened, angry, and kinda . . . afraid. Her silvery gray eyes glared at Beast Boy when he offered her a Foster's Triple Chocolate Chip **[8]** from the plate.

The older woman took a cookie graciously. She smiled at him and walked in, gesturing the kids to follow. "Well, hello there, sonny. Thank you. Do you know me?"

"Uh . . . no."

"Well, I always did love a good cookie. But I suppose anyone does, right?"

"….sure."

"So, Garfield-."

"How do you know my name?"

"My son does a bit of research. Anyways, I think that YOU know what I'm talking about when I say to stop with your silly little advice column, correct?"

Beast Boy gulped. This elderly woman was really starting to creep him out. "Uh . . . I have no idea what you're talking about?"

Her face hardened and her expression grew sour. The wrinkles on her withered forehead seemed to grow more . . . _wrinkly._ "Now sonny, I don't think you understand how important this is to me. My poor son is getting all wound up, and he seemed to think only one person could help him. And that was you. Juniper!"

The blond girl stepped forward. "For the last time, Mrs. Wilson. Juniper's my sister, not me. My name is Willow."

"And your sister's such a sweet girl. But she doesn't have the strange 'spark' that you did. That's why you got the power, and she didn't quite take hold of it. It's too bad too. She was such a lively spirit. But you'll do. You'll do quite well, I believe. Now, incapacitate the strange green one so that I might . . . persuade him to change his mind."

Willow drew closer to Beast Boy. "I – I won't hurt you. This might just make you a little drowsy. Yeah, drowsy."

Her outstretched hand was inches away from his face as she tentatively stepped forward. He shivered and he gasped and drew back, her pompoms falling to the ground, silver plastic fluttering in defeat.

"No," she whispered. "Too much power – he's too powerful. I'll pass out if I try to take it all. Don't let me risk it."

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? HE'S JUST STANDING THERE LIKE A LOAF OF BREAD! THE EASIEST FIGHT TO WIN! EVER! AND YOU'RE SAYING IT'S TOO _DANGEROUS?!_" Mrs. Wilson practically pounced on the girl, grabbing the pompoms from her feet and punching her fists in Beast Boy's direction. "WHAT? WHERE ARE THE TRANQUILIZER DARTS?"

Willow raised her hand. "Those weird pointy things in the handles? I used them to cut Kunal's sandwich into triangles earlier." She pointed to the guy behind them, watching the entire thing. His eyes widened and his hands flew to his mouth.

"I ate that sandwich!"

"Yeah, but you wouldn't have if I didn't cut it into triangles! And I quote, 'My mom ALWAYS cuts them into triangles! I am NOT eating anything that has more than 3 sides!'."

"I didn't know that you were going to cut them with _tranquilizer darts_!"

"We were in a Mini cooper! What, did you expect a bread knife to appear out of thin air?"

"I thought you had, like, swords or something!"

"Oh yeah, a cheerleader that carries around SWORDS. That totally makes sense."

"More sense that tranquiliazer darts! We're supervillains! We need big, flashy powers and weapons!"

"Ugh! We're not in an anime!"

"Pretty close to an anime, though!"

"Children, would you SHUT UP? The little green thing is gone!"

"WHAT?"

The three of them whirled around, only to see that indeed, Beast Boy had vanished.

**Okay, so I will get onto the next chapter immediately. Sorry for the delay. Seriously, SO SORRY.**

**Juniper Night – Okay, so you'll make an actual appearance in the next chapter, I promise. People started complaining, so I HAVE to get this up NOW. And yes, since you asked, I'll let you talk to Raven.**

**Glacier – I DO care. Don't ever think that I don't care about writing and my readers. I will NOT abandon this fic, even if it takes me 30 years to complete (although I hope it doesn't). I'll be letting out the rest of your characters in the next chapter, I just needed to get something up so you'll know I'm alive.**

**Other readers – If any of you name any of the references I made in here (which are marked with a number within brackets such as these – []), then you can redeem them by telling me specifically where they came from, and by the next post, I'll have a creative prize to give you. Probably not an entire oneshot, but I'm thinking of making a compilation of drabbles or vingettes. Just answer like this:**

**Reference [number of reference] is from ****insert reference origin here.**

**Got it? Again, so sorry for lateness. I'll try to stay on top of things, but if you somehow get doubts, check my profile to see if I've gone on a short hiatus.**

**Bantha Kisses,**

**Alyssa, TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSabe r**


End file.
